Unassisted Biscuit

UB Challenge - All-Star Edition

2012-01-14T00:17:00.000-05:00

At the halfway of every non-Olympic hockey season, we celebrate hockey with a game that nobody cares about. With the 2012 All-Star Game upon us, it means there will be another gym class-style captains picking to decide teams. Last kid on the wall gets a car and his photo on Ovie's cellphone:

With Kessel being the Winner last year, UB challenges its friends to submit their picks for last draft pick. Feel free to also submit a pick for team captains. Here is the roster:

Forwards
Daniel Alfredsson, Ottawa Senators; Jason Spezza, Ottawa Senators; Milan Michalek, Ottawa Senators; Corey Perry, Anaheim Ducks; Tyler Seguin, Boston Bruins; Jason Pominville, Buffalo Sabres; Jarome Iginla, Calgary Flames; Marian Hossa, Chicago Blackhawks; Patrick Kane, Chicago Blackhawks; Jonathan Toews, Chicago Blackhawks; Jamie Benn, Dallas Stars; Pavel Datsyuk, Detroit Red Wings Mikko Koivu, Minnesota Wild; John Tavares, New York Islanders; Marian Gaborik, New York Rangers; Claude Giroux, Philadelphia Flyers; Evgeni Malkin, Pittsburgh Penguins Logan Couture, San Jose Sharks; Steven Stamkos, Tampa Bay Lightning; Phil Kessel, Toronto Maple Leafs Joffrey Lupul, Toronto Maple Leafs; Daniel Sedin, Vancouver Canucks; Henrik Sedin, Vancouver Canucks Alex Ovechkin, Washington Capitals

Defencemen
Erik Karlsson, Ottawa Senators; Dion Phaneuf, Toronto Maple Leafs; Zdeno Chara, Boston Bruins; Brian Campbell, Florida Panthers; Ryan Suter, Nashville Predators; Shea Weber, Nashville Predators; Dan Girardi, New York Rangers Kimmo Timonen, Philadelphia Flyers; Keith Yandle, Phoenix Coyotes; Alex Edler, Vancouver Canucks Dennis Wideman, Washington Capitals; Dustin Byfuglien, Winnipeg Jets

Goaltenders
Tim Thomas, Boston Bruins; Jimmy Howard, Detroit Red Wings; Jonathan Quick, Los Angeles Kings; Carey Price, Montreal Canadiens; Henrik Lundqvist, New York Rangers; Brian Elliott, St. Louis Blues

Good luck

Breakfast Sidelines Penner

2012-01-11T21:34:00.000-05:00

Frequent UB chirper Rejean Lemelin is concerned we haven't addressed the hilarious story coming out of LA, where power forward and punchline Dustin Penner has been injured while eating breakfast. I wasn't going to take the bait but then I saw this excellent photo on Puck Daddy:

But eventually I began to suspect it was a fake. Why am I certain this is doctored you ask?

Simple. Because Allrecipes.com would never allow for that kind of turn-around. They are the premier recipe site. Have you tried Sean's Felafels and Cucumber Sauce? Cause Penner has (I'm assuming). And so should you. They are pretty tasty. Submissions are carefully and painstakingly examined before being added to the site. Consider this; Granny Lemelin's Christmas Fruit Jell-o Cake has been awaiting peer-review for over a year. Therefore, considering this pancake "recipe" arrived mere hours after Penner's back seized up at his breakfast nook, this must be some type of ruse. Still I feared Rejean would be feeling the pain at being reminded of his Allrecipe rejection. So I wrote this little blog post.

Packing lunch?

On a more serious note, I know hockey players are not noted for their intelligence but does LA not have any media advisors? Penner has a reputation as a... *ahem*... husky player. Why feed this delicious treat media and fans? Couldn't Penner just "tweak something" or have an "upper-body injury"? Shouldn't the team handlers be all over this type of embarrassment? They can't help him on the ice but off-ice they sure can. This is as bad as Jason Spezza missing a game after a trip to the mall. Again, details could have been glazed over.

So, for the Rej-meister, I took 5 minutes to put down my favorite Fat Penner jokes (Ttenrub was supposed to help but he also pulled his back eating pancakes):

- Dustin Penner's so fat he's both of Mike Richard's underachieving wingers...
- Dustin Penner likes icing the puck. Heck, he likes icing on just about anything... (source: Mrs. Blackwater)
- Dustin Penner blocks a lot of shots; can't help it...
- Biggest offseason signing bust is Dustin Penner: Dude's packing double Ds...
- Dustin Penner's so fat he eats flapjacks and... ummmm .... gets injured?
- Dustin Penner, Kyle Wellwood and Dustin Byfuglien walk into a bar...

Ottawa is full of All-Stars!

2012-01-05T23:59:00.000-05:00

Today the NHL announced the All-Star Game voting today and there will be 4 Ottawa Senators playing in front of their home crowd this year: Milan Michalek, Erik Karlsson, Jason Spezza and Daniel Alfredsson. While Karlsson is first among defensemen in scoring (19th overall in the League), Spezza (11th), Michalek (78th), and Alfredsson (68th) don't have first-ballot All-Star numbers. They were voted in by those ballot-box stuffing bastards from Ottawa. Those guys know their politics.

The fact is that if the All-Star Game was held anywhere else, only Karlsson would get to play. But the game is in Ottawa and the citizens of Ottawa (I'm assuming there weren't many pro-Senator voters from the GTA or the west) and the fans of the Sens voted in their hometown favourites. The audacity, as pointed out by TSN, is that none of the top 10 point-getters are All Star starters.

Sidebar: I find it strange that no one thinks it's odd that Crosby is a top vote getter... He's the best player in the game - no doubt - but, though under-reported, he has actually been out with a concussion...

This ballot stuffing also happened in 2008 in Montreal and I mocked the Montreal fans for trying to vote Georges Laraque into the game. How times have changed. Laraque is now looking for real votes and I am now defending this foolish way to choose All-Stars. I believe it's called democracy.

To quote Plato (thanks liberal arts BA!): Democracy leads to anarchy; which is mob rule.

Anarchy indeed. Letting us fools vote for who should play in this glorified game of shiny is anarchy. Next thing you know we'll be given the power to vote in people with national power. Is this the first time in history that democracy has let us down? Names like Rob Ford and Adolf Hitler come to mind, though Michalek as an All Star is probably #3 in my books.

The Ottawa fans deserve to have their players in the game. Three 'Canes played in Raleigh last year - I don't recall this type of backlash. Sens' fans are often ridiculed as a lifeless crew of fairweather fans that like to leave early in the 3rd (but have you seen the traffic from Kanata?!) yet these same federal bozos rallied to vote in the top 4 scorers from their team and as All-Stars. Good for them. They took an imperfect system and abused it to their own end. Did I add my 30 votes to this abuse of the system? Heck ya I did (though Emery was my goalie of choice).

If pundits and bloggers want to continue their attack on the lack of intensity and entertainment in the All Star game; let them. There is an event where players shoot a puck over a pylon into a mini-net. I don't think anyone is confusing this with the Stanley Cup finals. After watching ~~Beiber~~ Skinner Fever overtake Carolina at the 2011 game, I became convinced the game is for the city that hosts it. Let's just hope the dastardly Devan Dark doesn't ruin this All-Star weekend too!

The reaction to the pro-Ottawa voting has been mixed...

Brian Burke, though disappointed Colton Orr wasn't voted in, congratulated Ottawa and said he would hope that Toronto would do the same if they hosted.

Toronto-based ~~eyebrows~~ journalist, Damian Cox is disappointed that the integrity (Ha!) of the All-Star Game has been soiled by those barbaric Ottawa fans. From his Pulitzer Prize winning Twitter feed:

• Four Sens start all-star game? Not one of top 10 NHL scorers? Just silly. At least Thomas overtook Reimer or it would have been total joke.
• I mean, Daniel Alfredsson's a classy guy. But he's 68th in NHL scoring. Just discredits entire game......even more. . .
• For any credibility, all-star starters would be dominated by Canucks and Bruins.
• Out of chosen/selected/voted starters, only Thomas and Karlsson are particularly deserving.
• Hometown fans seem to believe concept is to wreck the game.
• Guess Kessel will again have a shot at being picked last!
• I do think Spezza has had a nice bounce-back season. But not worthy of starting position.
• Or call it the NHL Popularity Game. Would be more logical.
• OTT fans may think they've accomplished something by all-star vote when they've really just undermined the honor of being voted a starter.
• Funniest part is Sergei Gonchar barely missed catching Phaneuf to make it five Senator starters.
• Now Sens fans can get to work on Kyle Turris being named one of the subs.
• Could probably pick a better team of ex-Sens. Start with Brian Elliott in goal, Chara on defence. . .
• Dang. Blocking ignorant OTT fans really cutting into my time dedicated to blocking ignorant VAN fans. . .

He also feels that the NBA dunk competition should involve defenders and the MLB home-run derby should have real pitchers. This is about integrity folks.

This game isn't about the NHL and their stars, though it is supposed to be a showcase of talent. This game is about Ottawa showing its appreciation for Senators' captain Daniel Alfredsson. While under appreciated outside of Ottawa, he is an exceptional player and person. Do his 2011-2012 numbers as a 39 year-old earn this nomination? No. Does his career as a gold medal Olympian, +1000-game, +1000-point, +400-goal and life-long Senator entitle the Ottawa fans to honour him in the only All-Star Game in the nation's capital? Absolutely. It would be a disgrace if the fans did not take this opportunity to thank Captain Alfie and give something back. He won't win a Cup in Ottawa - why not let a class act player skate out on top.

In his words:

You don’t always look for acknowledgment, but at this stage of my career I think you reflect a little bit more maybe than you did a few years back, so getting this chance to be part of these festivities, showcase the game in front of a crowd like we have is something I look forward to and something I’m going to cherish

The GOON! Amazing New Movie Starring Seann William Scott (aka Stifler)!!!!

2011-12-28T09:19:00.003-05:00

Look out Oscars!!!

Just found out about this pretty sweet movie and thought I would share it with UBers. From IMDB.com:

"Labelled an outcast by his brainy family, a bouncer overcomes long odds to lead a team of under performing misfits to semi-pro hockey glory, beating the crap out of everything that stands in his way."

This movie stars a number of Canadians, including fellow American Pie and SCTV star Eugene Levy. Pretty sure it's a must see.

Watch the trailers here:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1456635/

Bieber Fever Outbreak!

2011-12-22T00:34:00.000-05:00

Apologies for my absence of late; Reggie Lemieux just woke me from a deep slumber to a world I no longer recognize...

We tried to warn you about the spread of Bieber Fever... twice. Is it too late?

Now, it looks like we might have an outbreak of this contagion on our hands. God help us. First we had Jake Gardiner announcing his love for the Beibs. Now he's on the ice with the Leafs. I know the Leafs are losing patience with young Nazim Kadri and his slight stature, is J-Biebs is an improvement? Does he have the truculence?

For those of you rolling your eyes at the idea of the sickness spreading as lame Canadian musicians overtaking our national sport: Michael Buble was practicing with the Canucks. Just when you thought that team couldn't be any more annoying or hated.

Stay tuned for Nickelback lacing up the skates with the Calgary Flames...

Who Doesn't Want Headshots Out of the Game? Phil Kessel, that's Who!

2011-12-19T21:23:00.003-05:00

Look who's laughing now, folks!

That's right, it's everyone's favourite "I've got 19 goals, but not one has made the highlight reel" Maple Leafs forward, Phil Kessel.

It appears that the out of control number of headshots (two more suspensions today: Lucic and Bourque), and resulting concussions, is having a substantial effect on the 2012-2013 scoring race. The "default-type" cascading effect means that a number of members of the Toronto Maple Leafs strangely find themselves at the top of the leaderboard. With Claude Giroux and Sydney Crosby sidelined indefinitely, it appears that the 2012-2013 scoring race is going to come down to "the last man standing". And, well, the last man standing is most likely going to be Phil Kessel -- and I can tell you EXACTLY where he'll be standing: three feet out front, and slightly to the left, of the crease waiting for a puck to magically flop onto his stick so he can flick it in. You'll have to be pay attention, though, because while Phil leads the league in goals, he is dead last on replays and SportsDesk highlights. 19 goals, all the same.

The worst part of this is that if Phil does win the scoring race, YOU WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT FROM LEAF FANS.

Buoooooooo

2011-10-18T00:30:00.012-04:00

Who is the hardest working person in hockey? The answer is simple, Roberto Luongo's maid. She has been kept far too busy washing Luongo's sheets after he seemingly sh*ts the bed on a daily process.

After only 6 games into the new season Vancouver Canuck "fans" have already started lashing into their once prized goal tender. With the Stanley Cup Final loss still fresh and Luongo's recent early season struggles many are now asking themselves what happened to the "Golden Boy" that was suppose to lead the Canucks to countless Stanley Cups? Has he become yet another corpse in the goalie graveyard that is Vancouver? Luongo was once considered one of the best goalies in the league and now after a shaky playoffs all his skill and confidence seem to have gone missing.

Losing Game 7 was tough for Canuck nation -- especially for their "loyal" fan base. They are determined not to let that happen again and are willing to do whatever it takes to return to the finals and finally win the Cup. In June, they scoured the city in search of Luongo's skill and ability, vowing to turn over as many police cars as necessary until they find it. Apparently, it was never found and now Canuck fans are beginning to lose their patience. (and although I am not a Canuck fan, I too feel their impatience as I foolishly selected him as my first pick in the UB Fantasy Hockey Pool)

Simply put the fans want Luongo out and Schneider in -- hell, at this point they would probably even take Dan Cloutier back.

UB Rookies Ready To Challenge

2011-09-14T20:45:00.003-04:00

Forget Nugent-Hopkins. Forget Landeskog, Huberdeau and Zibanejad.

The real rookies to watch this year are in the UB Fantasy Hockey Pool. They are ready to challenge some battle hardened veterans, and those sophomores looking for redemption.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2011-2012 rookie class, complete with expectations:

Nu Sea. Bee. Eh - Manager: Cam
Although I find Cam's name choice awkward to type, I think NSBE (there we go...) could do some damage. Mostly emotional damage, if he ever beats Ttenrub or Blackwater in a matchup. After being chirped several times in UB, and missing the draft last year by 15 minutes, Cam could be out to prove something. Or like his UB writing career, he may update the lineup once and then never again.

Benny Boom Boom - Manager: Ben
I last saw Ben on Canada day this year, I believe somewhere around Elgin... then again it could have all been imagined. It was a good day. But from what I do recall, Ben was reading a fantasy draft primer and making a list of sleeper picks. I believe Ben will approach the league as he does running... and go far. Hopefully he will not mind my constant interruptions of ludicrous trades.

Howe it's Done - Manager: David P
Right into the name puns, I LOVE it. David completes the family dynasty along with Malkin in the Middle and Osgoode As It Gets. Apparently family dinners center around hockey puns. Prediction: best new rookie, in the playoffs for sure. David knows his stuff, is super tall, can eat a lot of food, and I can honestly say I fear him in fantasy hockey.

Team Tusk - Manager: Walrus
Yes, I created Team Tusk last year for Walrus and yes, he may have not been the most... attentive manager. That one is on me. But following his beloved Canucks' playoff run, he is into it and will be playing his first season. Making him a rookie, and one that I think will surprise a few unsuspecting GMs. I expect a heavy percentage of Canucks on his team, and for him at some point to attempt to draft Randy Cunneyworth, followed by Brendan Shanahan.

See you all at the draft. Prepare for a barrage of insults and opinion from 13 other people on each and every draft pick. I know I will be.
Steve-Z Out.

It Has Returned...

2011-08-26T16:04:00.004-04:00

Ladies, gentlemen, and dearest KP... we are back in business.

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/2221

Password: biscuit

League id number: 2221

Big change:
- This year we are playing with every category worth two points, and no overall win. Eight categories = 16 points up for grabs. Makes for a more interesting year, bigger jump in points.

Post some feedback with your thoughts on the scoring categories and draft time.

Steve-Z for the title!

Off Season Thoughts

2011-08-04T15:26:00.007-04:00

It is a boring time of year to be a hockey fan. So boring I tried for 30 minutes the other day to install a countdown to the season widget on the blog. Turns out, I'm an idiot. Edit blog options beging and end at 'save email as draft post' for me.

That being said there have been some meaningful happenings in the NHL over the past few weeks.

- Owen Nolan to Vancouver. Somewhere out there Dr. Recchi has diagnosed the Canucks with a bad case of jealously. I wonder what from?

- Ottawa Senators new heritage jersey. It's like they finally google image searched their own jersey. Great jersey, long overdue.

- Shea Weber makes 7.5 million now. Nashville's original offer was 4.85. 4.85!!! David Poille's to do list was pretty simple: 1) sign Weber and 2) don't piss him off. 50% ain't a great score Dave.

- Expect your UB fantasy start up emails in September. Mock Messier - I'm disabling players images on Yahoo, so this year you draft blind. That's right, let the chirping begin.

- I'm saying it now: I'm excited to watch the Florida Panthers play this year. Mostly because I am so damn curious to see how you foster team chemistry with over 10 new players. Seriously how?! Paintball? Camping? Tell me Dale Tallon!!!

- A commitment to Patrick Sharp?! Chicago how unlike yourself!

- Kovalev goes back to Russia. I assume with the logic of 'in Russia, goal scores you.' Continuing on a Russian note, the next signing I want for the Sens is Yuri 'Tiger' Trush. Eh Blackwater? Eh Pete? Ehhh?

Steve-Z Out.

Johnny Boychuk – Watching the Carbs

2011-07-11T14:55:00.006-04:00

Hypothetical: you’re in the NHL. You’ve just completed the worlds most grueling sports season, playing 82 games and over 20 more in the playoffs, emerging victorious as the 2010-2011 Stanley Cup Champions. Tears flow through your grizzled beard, and over your massive, chipped tooth smile. You hit the town for a night of mayhem with your teammates which will be written into history books under the category of ‘irrelevant trivia’ or 'things get weird'. You lean up against the bar rail, with the full tab being taken care of. The bartender looks over and says "what can I get you Champion?"

What do you order?

For Johnny Boychuk, he stays smart, watches the carbs, and goes for a single Amstel Lite. James Duthie solved the mystery of the Houdini Amstel Lite order for the Bruins legendary night out. I have to assume that is the only drink Boychuk had that night because if this tells me anything about him, it’s that the man starts his training and diet for next season right away. He doesn't stick around for a bunch of Budweisers, he goes home and does dead lifts until he throws up, and then eats 12 chicken breasts. Professional to a tee.

Tell me UB, what’s your drink at your Stanley Cup victory party?

Steve-Z out.

Ps: THIS man drinks Amstel Lite.

Points Don't Win Games - Fists Do

2011-07-06T11:19:00.006-04:00

Capital punishment is in full force in the nations capital. Add Zenon Kenopka to the ranks, alongside Chris Neil, Matt Carkner, and Zach Smith to give the Sens one of the most wrecking ballish teams in the league. Throw in AHLers Francis Lessard and Ben Blood... and you have a Ben Blood bath on your hand (with a name like Ben Blood, how many career options do you really have?).

Quick UB Math Session for the 2010-2011 Season
Kenopka - 307 PIMS
Neil - 210 PIMS
Carkner - 136 PIMS
Smith - 120 PIMS
Sum: 773 Penalty Minutes (15.7% of the Entire Season)

Take liberties with Sens players at your own risk NHL. I hope Ottawa has the best PK of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Erik Karlsson sleeps soundly tonight. I like the signing.

Steve-Z out.

The Jodie Foster Free Agency Awards

2011-07-05T12:21:00.006-04:00

^{Ladies and Gentlemen I welcome you to the 1st Annual Jodie Foster Free Agency Awards (For our slower readers, yes every movie has Jodie Foster in it)

Panic Room: Worst Impulse Signing James Wisniewski – Columbus, 6 years/ $33 million ($5.5 million cap hit)

Oh Columbus. Sweet, Naive Columbus. When you’re not making phallic mascots, your signing a pretender of an all star defenseman. Sometimes I think Columbus is just yelling, "I’m a real boy!" while the rest of the NHL nods politely while Columbus’s wooden nose grows. I just don’t think he’s the real deal. His $5.5 million annual salary is now the 12th highest in the entire NHL among defensemen, and he isn’t the 12th best. Mike Commodore 2.0.

Taxi Driver: Best Signing Tomas Vokoun – Washington, 1 year/ $1.5 million

They basically signed Vokoun and a 1st and 2nd round pick with the Varlamov trade. Unreal, I thought TSN had messed up when I read this. Them I remember that I worship the ground Bob Mckenzie walks on. Washington for tops in the East with all that they’ve done this offseason.

The Silence of the Lambs: Most Reckless Signing Maxime Talbot – Philadelphia, 5 year/ $9 million

You really feel as though the CBA would have circulated to the league by now. But I hear Holmgren relies on Canada Post for his mail (topical). Apparently no lessons were learned after the Pronger signing was investigated; Holmgren had to know Bettman would just be waiting for revenge. It’s not the most horrendous signing, but it is salary cap circumvention, and if Philly ends up giving up picks for it, then it is easily the most reckless. And so I draw I parallel to a movie about a psychopath killer... proportionate.

A Very Long Engagement: Biggest Future Regret Christian Ehrhoff – Buffalo, 10 year/ $40 million

Kudos to Vancouver for walking away from a guy who wanted 10 million in his first year. What a stupid contract. It’s the kind that’s going to lead to another lockout, and just because Terry Pegula is pretending he's playing EA sports version of Be an Overly Excited Owner. Long term never works. Ask the Islanders sometime.

Inside Man: Best Trade Toronto Maple Leafs. To Leafs - Franson & Lombardi; to Nashville - Lebda, Slaney, Conditional 4th rounder

I already mentioned the Varlamov trade so it goes to the Leafs. I wanted to pick the Sens trading a 3rd round pick for Filatov, but this deal is just too much. Toronto gives up a dime-a-dozen prospect and a terrible defenseman (Lebderp) for a bluechip prospect in Franson, and a productive center in Lombardi if he can stay healthy. It pains me to applaud the Leafs but what else can I say when credit is due?

Get home safe. Steve-Z out.}

Free Agency: Where the NHL Meets Jodie Foster

2011-06-29T09:42:00.008-04:00

Have you ever seen Jodie Foster in Panic Room? Somehow I've managed to see that movie three times in my life (it's in my top 5 hangover cures). This movie has a lot to do with the yearly NHL free agency boom. Except Ms. Foster has more testosterone that most NHL general managers. But it got me thinking...

Campbell, Finger, Drury, Redden, Gomez, Briere. All of these players have been labelled at one time or another (in Redden's case- always) a free agent bust. NHL Gm's go out and panic, drop a ton of money on players who don't deserve it, for a ridiculous term, with a no trade clause. Brooks Laich seems to be this years panic signing front runner -4.5 million a year for a guy who plays good defensive hockey with a lot of character, but only pots about 20 goals. What kills me about this is that just like all the teams of the above-mentioned players, Washington will be bitching about this contract in max 2 years, and cry about how it is killing the team.

So in recognition of this often ludicrous time of year and after being inspired by Panic Room (A solid B- film by the way), next week after most major players have been scooped up, I will be nominating Gms for a couple of awards to be voted on by our legions of readers. Awards will include worst panic signing, most sensible signing, and even venture into the draft. Why? Because it's fun to rip on the teams who mortgage their futures for nothing.

Steve-Z Out

My New Favourite Expression: 'Riot Porn'

2011-06-22T09:32:00.005-04:00

Jian Ghomeshi is the ultimate radio personality - he's pretty scraggly looking in person, he's got audible chocolate for a voice, and yeah, he writes a pretty damn good program- Q. I enjoy it most days I can at work... until the wiener programs that try to ride his coat tails afterwards come on.

On Monday, and again yesterday, Jian broke out an expression on his program. I'm not sure if it's his own, but it doesn't really matter. Describing the coverage of the Vancouver riots as 'Riot Porn' is spot on (no link to the couple photo needed). I sat down to watch CBC the other week and for two nights in a row, I had to turn it off. Video after video of rioters destroying beautiful Walrus habitat, and no substantial mention of any other news. That's some quality balanced coverage.

It's news, but media coverage seems to be glorifying in it daily- it was on TMZ! And in doing so, it makes Canuck Fans, Vancouverites, and all hockey fans look bad.

It was a spectacle. a disappointment, and embarrassing. But now is not the time to play more videos of windows and cars being smashed. It's time for the hockey world to move on and let the Vancouver Police Department do their job and catch the rioters... like this idiot wonderkid.

Steve-Z Out.

Unassisted Birth, plus 10-Rub Thoughts

2011-06-21T21:58:00.007-04:00

First of all I must apologize for my absence from the Unassisted Biscuit as of late. You see, I generally go to Google, type in "Unassisted Biscuit" and select the appropriate site. However, a few weeks ago I inadvertently selected Unassisted Birth, and to be perfectly honest with everyone I never made it back to the Biscuit since. I spent the first few days, while sifting through the articles and other material on Unassisted Birth, seriously questioning the new direction the much beloved Biscuit was heading out in. On the 4th day, I started questioning Blackwater's sources and his overall credibility of reporting, documenting, and describing the process of an unassisted birth. By the 5th day on the site I realized my error; however, by the 6th day I was already hooked. If it wasn't for the Vancouver Riot I never would have known who won the Stanley Cup (BC Legislation states that all residents must riot after the Canucks lose Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals). Long story short, after several weeks Ttenrub is back. Congrats to the Boston Bruins and congrats to the Walrus for finding love on the mean streets of Vancouver during the riot -- remember to always wear a wetsuit champ.

10-RUB THOUGHTS

1. Glad to see the Bruins win the Cup. Marchand has to be the most skilled pest in the NHL right now.

2. Not sure what is worse: Luongo allowing eight goals in one game - or - the Canucks only scoring eight goals in the entire series.

3. Not sure what the media is saying out East, but all the talk out in BC is that Luongo lost the Cup for his team. Luongo is still a great goalie and the city is going to have to start respecting him if they have any hopes of going back to the finals any time soon.

4. After hearing that Luongo lost the Cup for his team, Vancouver residents took to the streets trying to find it, no car would be left unturned until they find it. The search was called off after learning it was only a figure of speech.

5. Prediction: the Edmonton Oilers will select Ryan Nugent-Hopkins with the number one pick. The last time they picked up a tall, lanky, centerman his name was Wayne Gretzky.

6. I am in no way saying that Hopkins is the next Gretzky, just merely indicating how the Oilers scout their prospects. After selecting the likes of David Oliver and Jason Bonsignore in years past it is clear that they generally don't use the traditional skill criterion; therefore, other factors must be in play.

7. Ryan Smyth heading back to Edmonton? -- would love to see this.

8. Special thanks to the Vancouver Canucks. Although I am not a fan of them they did allow me to grow a beard during their impressive Stanley Cup run.

9. Fun Fact: I still have the beard.

10. Special Congrats to Mock Messier. Winning the UB Fantasy Pool and the UB Stanley Cup Challenge all in one season was both impressive and humiliating.

Impress Me Bryan Murray

2011-06-20T12:30:00.005-04:00

Every year I, like so many other hockey fans, get all excited about the NHL draft. And unfortunately, like many other fans, I put on my GM cap for the day and make a complete ass out of myself by dreaming of magical trade scenarios... mostly involving Ottawa trading Flip Kuba for the first overall (Flip just reeks of unused potential. No that smell is not him crapping on the ice every shift. But I digress...)

Bryan Murray has mildly impressed me a few times so far in his drafting. The Rundblad deal could turn out to be one of the best moves he's ever made (look for Steve-Z's fantasy team to feature this wildcard pick), and Lehner and Cowen seem like solid picks at the moment with Calder Cup in hand.

So what is it that I want this year from Murray and all the other GMs? Not just good drafting, but something more recklessly impressive. Something Brian Burkish with the Sedins... that just reeks of lies, threats, and blackmail. Wouldn't it be so much cooler if Murray got some serious nerve and swung major deals to move up and grab Landeskog or Huberdeau? Or both?! The worst drafts are the ones when teams stand pat and just draft. I want Murray, and some other wacky GMs to get swapping and burn Minnesota to the ground. It doesn't have to be the Sens, but some GM has to step up, and just wreck havoc on that beautifully prepared NHL draft board.

And after last years draft prediction bomb, no predictions... I really do eat it at predictions.

Always Wear Your Cup to a Riot

2011-06-16T22:55:00.002-04:00

Congrats to the Boston Bruins for winning the Stanley Cup. And to Mock Messier for winning the Unassisted Biscuit Playoff Challenge. Both are the ultimate pinnacle in their respected sports.

Our friend Ttenrub messaged me before the game to ask which will take longer:

a) To clean up Vancouver after they riot
OR
b) To clean all the "S H -word" out of Roberto Luongo's bed

Being the seer he is, both came true and both will take some time to clean up. But enough about the game...

Let's get to the good stuff:

Classic. (Sorry that it's TMZ...)

Random Headlines

2011-06-11T10:58:00.000-04:00

Some top notch pieces of sports literature:

Our very own Ttenrub is riding this chuck-wagon...

Canucks unite Canada... through hatred (Globe and Mail).

Johnny 5 hits the ice (Puck Daddy)

Hockey inventions in Waterloo (CTT)

Fat man in a little green morph suit! (Not pretty)

Crosby to retire? (Belleville Intelligencer)

Bieksa doesn't believe in scrums after the whistle - But if there are no enforcers on the ice and there's a European with his back turned... (Sun Media)

2011 UB Stanley Cup Challenge: The Finals

2011-06-01T09:47:00.004-04:00

My gamble didn't pan out and Tampa lost. It was a hail mary play, and my dreams crashed because of it. Last round saw Pete leapfrog into second with two complete picks, nicely done Pete! The story of the finals; can Pete pull even with Mock messier? And what the hell do we do for a tie breaker? Who joins Mock Messier and Pete on the podium?

Other notables include Blackwater and Ttenrub's rise in the standings. AZV gets 0.5 of a point; the Canucks won, but it wasn't against the Wings. Nice try you crafty Yankee.

1. Mock Messier (15)
2. Pete (13)
3. Egg Father (11)
3. Blackwater (11)
5. Ttenrub (10)
5. Steve-Z (10)
5. Rejean(10)
5. Cam (10)
9. AZV (9.5)
10. KP (8)
11. 4 Minutes (7)

How's the weather down there KP and 4 Minutes? Make your picks for the finals!

Walrus's Words of Wisdom (Round 3)

2011-05-31T22:21:00.000-04:00

Ugh - Vancouver is still in. 'Walrus' continues to fill my inbox with bandwagon rants and comments.

Here are some more choice gems in Walrus's Word of Wisdom:

"Bieksa top shelf just like he practiced in the back yard rink
Just like we all practiced on the backyard rink" [Game 1 Bieksa scores]

"Hey canucklehead
Looks like the sedins are playing with some serious Swedish meatballs tonight" [Game 2, the Sedins survive Eager's attack]

"We are both jointly excited
We are both jointly in our wetsuits on our sofas
We are both jointly holding hands with all the other canuckleheads across this great nation!" [I have no clue]

"We are all Canucks. We are standing tall in our wetsuits holding hands. Poppy the kitty cat is in her wetsuit too. All kitty cats and wetsuit men are in the net with luongo." [Oh, did I mention he's a cat-guy?]

"We are both so excited right now!" [Moderately.]

"Come on hippies
Common crack heads
Come on David Suzuki
We are all Canucks" [Covers all the demographics of Van...]

"Kesler always wants the game on his stick.
He has been practicing that shot since he was on the rink in the backyard.
We have all been practicing that shot.
We all squeezed the stick and we all pulled the trigger." [Kesler scores first in Game 4]

"Oh my god the Clarence Campbell cup is ours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" [Nucks win Game 5 on a wacky Bieksa goal, my inbox is filled with photos of cats.]

Win or lose, we can all assume Walrus will be out rioting - in his wetsuit. I don't know why.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2011-05-30T13:04:00.005-04:00

The Good: Winnipeg Hockey

Seeing a hockey team (probably being) moved from the US to Winnipeg appeals to the tiny bit of nasty in every Canadian hockey fan. Yes, about 200 people in Atlanta are upset, but that's what happens when you ignore a franchise. Atlanta fans should be taking some time to reflect on themselves, and listen to some Cinderella. Maybe lean on a bridge and gaze into the water. Instead of more Atlantanking, a whole province (one of the frequently forgotten provinces, I may add) gets something to get excited about. And I get to secretly pray that they name them the Moose. The Jets are classic, but the Moose... so lovable.

The Bad: The State of Being a Canadian Hockey Fan

It seems to happen once every year or so. A Canadian team that's never named the Leafs makes it deep into the post-season, and we're all supposed to get excited about "Canada's Team." Fact: there is no such thing as Canada's team other than Team Canada. It would be nice to see the cup North of the border again, but is this how it has to be? Should we abandon our true team allegiance, and instead buy a federal Canadian jersey (North of 49ers)? I hope Vancouver wins, and I will cheer for them (and put on my wetsuit); but they are not Canada's Team. They are from Vancouver.

The Ugly: Playoff Anthems

I remember when Ottawa made it to the finals. We had one playoff anthem by great Canadian recording artist, Belly. Actually two, counting the Emery song. But that's it, only two. Vancouver has about a dozen, as anybody knows who reads Puck Daddy. There are folk songs, raps ... and in betweens. Enough is enough just pick one. Or don''t pick any, they're all uniquely bad. And by not picking any you can avoid reliving all of the painful memories and hurts when you listen to them years later while finding a hyperlink to a blog entry for one of the premier sources for hockey news.

Steve-Z out. And sad now.

San Jose Sharks: Destined to Fail

2011-05-19T10:55:00.007-04:00

I love playoff hockey; even if my team isn't in the big dance. As a Sens fan in the midst of a rebuild, watching the Vancouver game last night was one of the highlights of this season for me. Not only because the Canucks won or because they put on a clinic (the Sedins looked like they were playing shinny). Last nights game was amazing because it proved, once again, a timeless fact of the NHL; a team built with players putting themselves first will never win.

This has been my bone to pick with the Sharks for quite some time (Around the time Michalek came to Ottawa...), and last night was too perfect of an example. Sure there are other teams in the league full of players only interested in getting as many points, money or drinks as possible, but the 2010-2011 Sharks are the worst of the bunch. The playoffs are when players should be living up to their expectations, or playing out of their mind, driven by that desire to be a champion. Look at players like Kesler, Bergenheim, Couture, Bieksa or Seguin who have exploded into the playoffs this year. These players may or may not have been exceptional in the regular season, but they have been stellar these playoffs when their team needed them most. On the other hand however, you have players like Dany Heatley, Kyle Wellwood, and Ben Eager.

Dany Heatley is the laziest player in hockey. There has always been an air of "I'm an all-star" around him, but he usually puts up numbers to back up that claim. Not this season, and not these playoffs. Heatley is currently 28th (28th!!!!) in playoff scoring with 9 points (3G, 6A) in 15 games playing alongside some of the top centres in the league (Thronton, Pavelski, Couture... take your pick) while earning around 18 minutes of ice a game. Players ahead of Heatley in the scoring race include Michael Cammalleri (10 p in 7 gp). These stats might be acceptable if his team play has been up to par. Heatley sits at -2 in the playoffs, and even with a seemingly respectable 25 hits, I've never seen a 6'4", 220 pound man bounce off his checks like Heatley has been doing these playoffs. He looks like he doesn't have the drive or desire to hoist the cup. No back-checking, no winning the battles along the boards, no crashing the net... no intensity. When Heatley steps onto the ice for the opening faceoff, he's already looking up at the clock.

Kyle Wellwood. I'm going to take the high road and not make any fat jokes. However this orca (whoops) has beached itself during this series. How often do you get a chance to exact playoff revenge on the team that made public your fat assitude, and made you a laughing stock of the hockey world? The guys had to play in Russia after earning his reputation with the Canucks, so you might think he would have some serious weight on his shoulders. Instead Wellwood has been a non-factor in this series, acting as background noise. 0 points, -1, 2 shots on net. Just like Heatley, I don't see any determination, desire, or purpose.

Ben Eager is 99% responsible for the Sharks game 2 loss. Granted he scored a goal (too little, too late), but he also racked up 20 minutes in penalties, including 5 minors. Uncontrolled, stupid play. It's round three, and Eager is playing some of the most careless and selfish hockey I have ever seen. There are two important things to consider about Eager in game two. (# 1) Taking bad penalties (all 5 minors) deflates your team, causes a distraction, and makes for a more difficult penalty kill. The Canucks 4th goal came with Eager in the box, and was the beginning of the game being completely out of reach. Eager cost his team half a period of even strength play, instead putting an average penalty kill against a Canucks powerplay working at 25% in the playoffs. And why were the Canucks so lethal last night? Because (# 2) Eager woke the Sedin's with his dirty hit on Daniel. If the two best players on a team aren't playing like their usual selves, don't suddenly give them something to play for. Intimidate them, hit them, chirp them... but don't light a fire under them unless you want to get burned. That hit just made the Sharks comeback all the more unlikely. All because Ben Eager didn't use his head.

These three players may have bursts of usefullness now and then, but more often than not they will hurt their team with their lazy, selfish, or careless play. They are a big reason why San Jose will not be hoisting the cup this year. Again.

Walrus's Words of Wisdom (Round 2)

2011-05-19T00:06:00.000-04:00

I want Vancouver to lose so these messages stop...

“Did don cherry actually just insult David Suzuki? 'only

pinkie ride bikes'...

why is that guy on TV? Vancouver!” (Game 1)

“Double OMG 113 minutes straight of shut out hockey 
for our favorite goalie.

We love him both equally” (Game 2[we don't])

“No way tutu - I don't think so.
Louuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu” (Game 2 - probably an honest typo

but pretty funny either way)

“I think kesler the mesler is gonna win it”

(Game 2 1st OT [Worst nickname]

“This is the kind of night that you just wish the

Russian rocket was on the ice.

But heck you know that we can do it. Put the wet

suits on and get in the net. We can do it together 
Come on let's all hold the stick and pull the trigger together
Let's all lay the hammer down
Keep our sticks on then ice

After we do that let's make sure no one goes

near the goalie

Or else we will be so mad we will teach them a

lesson with our fists
The lesson: don't go near the goalie OR ELSE” (Game 3 - a poem?)

“Every man woman and other in Vancouver is holding hands

for the next 7 minutes” (Game 6)

“You and I are both jointly on the edge of our seats!!!” (Game 6)

“Hopefully we can back check on the last five minutes

and really keep our sticks on the ice” (Still Game 6)

“You & me & family...sens game... jumbotron...my face”

(Game 6 [he really did once get his face on the jumbotron -

it was zoomed in on some kids a few rows behind us so when

he interupted the shot, his face was blurry and terrible])

With the Canucks up 2-0, maybe Round 3 will be mercifully short...

UB Stanley Cup Challenge: Round 3

2011-05-14T17:54:00.003-04:00

Not a bad second round; my personal favourite is AZV picking up two points in his hail mary first round all inclusive predictions (Canucks over Preds in 6). Sadly for him, the Flyers did not beat the Caps.

Two minutes to Cam, Rejean, and KP for not getting any predictions in on time. The Three way has moved from 1st, and towards 5th and 8th. Kudos to Mock Messier for moving ahead of the pack, and to Egg Father for some serious gains.

Get your picks in ASAP... puck drops in 2 hours!

Standings:

1. Mock Messier (12)
2. Egg Father (11)
3. Cam (10)
3. Rejean (10)
5. Steve-Z (9)
5. AZV (9)
5. Pete (9)
8. KP (8)
8. Ttenrub (8)
8. Blackwater (8)
11. 4 Minutes (7)

Walrus's Words of Wisdom (Round 1)

2011-05-07T22:52:00.003-04:00

I have ~~a friend~~ an acquaintance who is the biggest band-wagon Canuck fan. We'll call him 'Walrus' to protect his identity. He knows nothing about hockey. When I say "nothing", I'm not talking like he's blurry on how offside works, this guy he doesn't know how many players should be on the ice. Yet, he talks a big game around the office water-cooler and somehow comes off as a well informed fan. It's time to exploit him as the phony he is...

Here are the Round 1 gems he sent my way about his 'Beloved' Canucks:

"OMG everyone needs to squeeze into their wetsuit then get in the net with Bobby Lou.... We can all do this together if we just hold hands!" (Game 2)

"I am so mad a-boot this I thought we had it- Chicago is the worst city in the world/ worse than ft lauderdale!" (Game 5)

"Time to strap on your XXL jock straps and win it in game 7." (Game 6)

"It's like our arms are 5000 km long and we are holding hands across the country for our joint favorite team." (Every game [I'm not a Canuck fan])

"Wow...that felt like the gold medal game!" (Game 7 [side-note: we were in

the Molson Hockey House for Crosbone's goal])

"Look for me on the national...I am the guy dancing on the bus stop." (After Game 7. He wasn't)

I will update Round 2 quotes after the series ends. Let's hope his co-workers call him out for his lack of puck-knowledge...

Where is This Quiet Room?

2011-04-29T21:34:00.000-04:00

Breaking news! Concussions have become an issue in hockey. Luckily The Commish created a rule where players suspected of a concussion are to be taken to a quiet room and monitored for 15 minutes. Not an ideal fix for something that has sidelined, among many others, the NHL's best player. But it's something.

Game 7 of the Bruins-Canadiens series saw Jeff Halpern's face get run into the stanchion. A rarity in Montreal/Boston match-ups. He hopped back to his skates and seemed OK... Then he was hit again.

Glen Healey (I was watching the CBC feed) commented on how he was being taken to the quiet room for an evaluation. He also noted what a loss this would be for the Habs in the faceoff circle. Less than 5 minutes later, Halpern was back on the bench. Glen Healey noted that in a Game 7 you would have to hold a player in that quiet room at gun point. Not to play couch doctor (I've been in trouble for that before...), but at least pretend you are evaluating the player by staying the recommended 15 minutes!

So the quiet room is only important if a player is non-essential and if it is an unimportant game? Let's be honest, we're talking about Jeff Halpern. Do you have his poster on your bedroom wall? Crosbone was willing (smartly) to shut it down for the year and watch his team lose in seven to the Bolts. He might have made a difference. Except Syd is the face of the NHL and a multi-million dollar Olympian that is at the centre of a dynamic young team. Jeff Halpern is a 34 year-old dude. Oh and the Habs appreciate his service (and brain cell sacrifice) and wish him all the best in the future *pink slip.

C'mon Jeff, protect the ol' noodle, you literally have less of it today than you did Wednesday...

Now I will set out to destroying brain cells the old fashion way - booze. Old time hockey-style. Messier style.

10-4 good buddies!

UB Stanley Cup Challenge: Round 2

2011-04-27T23:20:00.003-04:00

New addition Mock Messier and the sudden emergence of Cam are the top stories from round one. Perenial favourite, Rejean Lemelin, caps off an impressive 3-way tie to conclude the first round of the annual UB Stanley Cup Challenge. Not exactly my idea of a good 3-way crowd, but oddly enough I feel a bit jealous for not being included.

If you haven't already, make sure you make your picks for round two as soon as you can...

STANDINGS:

1. Mock Messier (10)

1. Cam (10)

1. Rejean Lemelin (10)

4. Egg Father (9)

5. KP (8)

6. AZV (7)

6. Pete (7)

8. Ttenrub (6)

8. Blackwater (6)

10. 4 Minutes (5)

10. Steve-Z (5)

Reality Check in the Fantasy World

2011-04-14T08:31:00.005-04:00

First of all, I apologize for my lack of participation, even negligence on UB. But I'm going to hit the gym (Keyboard?), and put in a good summer to really get the jump on next season. But Even with a lack of posting, there has been no shortage of UB activity.

Congratulations to MOCK MESSIER, CROWNED THE 2010-2011 UB FANTASY HOCKEY LEAGUE CHAMPION!!!

Kudos really has to be given to Mock messier; this team was initially drafted based on the looks of the players, the same strategy adopted by Bean. Well done Mock Messier, you earned it. If I had to lose to anybody in the finals, it would be a team I had mocked consistently at Thanksgiving and family events. I also apologize for telling you that trading Patrick Sharp for Selanne would be stupid, classic #2 move.

Yes, I finished second. There are several fundamental reasons why this happened (Halak playing like a human, dropping Neuvirth, Lecavalier being so damned average), but this happens to every team. This is the way of Fantasy Hockey, injuries and streaky players can be the life, but most likely death of your team. Mock messier fought through some pretty nasty DTD's, and was without Sharp for our series. I cite poor, poor Egg Father as a classic example. The first two draft picks he made were Parise and Brodeur. Great draft picks, but sometimes star players decide to separate their shoulders or act their age.

A solid first UB fantasy hockey season. Until next year, sit back and enjoy watching Vancouver win the cup.

2011 UB Stanley Cup Challenge

2011-04-10T22:44:00.005-04:00

The time has come again. The regular season is over and the playoff brackets are finally set. And thanks to the Minnesota Wild's victory over the heavily favoured Dallas Stars, the Canucks will meet up with the Blackhawks for the third straight year. And for the third straight year the Blackhawks will eliminate those same Canucks, humiliating Luongo in the decisive game along the way. This is a given. But how will the other series turn out?

Welcome to the Third Annual UB Stanley Cup Challenge. Rules are as follows:

-- 1 point for picking the winning team of the series.

-- 2 points for picking the winning team and correctly picking the number of games.

Make your selections prior to the start of the first playoff game and begin your road back to redemption. After how the Fantasy Hockey Pool played out, this road may be longer for others...

Heater gets 2!

2011-03-18T22:43:00.001-04:00

San Jose's Dany Heatley was suspended two games for his elbow on Steve Ott of the Dallas Stars. The NHL normally holds a disciplinary hearing with the players before they are suspended, which allows them to plead their case.

(in case you haven't seen the Heatley elbow)

I don't know if these are normally made public but I think I have a pretty good idea of what Heatley's points of defense were in the hearing:

Judge Colin Campbell: "Dany, you are accused of delivering a deliberate head shot to Dallas Star, Steve Ott. How do respond to this accusation?"

Dany Heatley: "Not guilty, your honour. The following will explain why I should not be suspended. First off, there is no way I hit Steve Ott in the head; I've never thrown a hit in my entire career. Plus, you can't suspend me! I'm a f@#ing All Star! I'm fairly certain he bit my elbow. Wait, shouldn't you be thanking me for hitting Steve Ott? You're welcome. Finally, his name reminds me of Ottawa. I hate Ottawa. Your honour, I resist my case."

Judge Campbell: "I am sentencing you to 1 game for the hit and a second game for douchebaggery. Oh and Nancy? While serving your sentence, I recommend not telling your fellow inmates that you throw like a girl."

Fan Base Rebuild

2011-02-23T12:11:00.000-05:00

The Ottawa Senators continue to tear their team down to its foundation in order to rebuild. I was personally concerned this rebuild could bankrupt the team with its small market and arena on the outskirts of civilization. I wondered: "What about the fans?".

Then, I saw something on the Rideau Canal that made me realize everything is going to be alright:


Note to self: Body leotards to not leave much to the imagination; especially when its -20...

Greenmen on the Canal! I don't know if the Vancouver geniuses The Force and Sully have been acquired from the Canucks or if these were imitation greenmen; either way I am hopeful someone gets them seats next to the visitors penalty box.

It is possible one of these greenmen was UB's very own Peter Puck

On a related note, the Senators ex-superfan, Carrie Underwood, and her life partner, Mike Fisher, may not, between the two of them, possess a sense of humour (in the linked article it is hard to understand when Fisher is talking about GM Brian Murray and when his is talking about God... Weird.).

IKEA, the Sedin Twins, Meatballs, and the NHL

2011-02-15T22:32:00.006-05:00

I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day, actually I hate it, but 2011 is one that I will remember forever. Peter Forsberg finally called it quits after signing a 1 million dollar contract with the Avalanche and playing in just two games.

The retirement (strangely, his first real one), caused me to think about the impact that the Swedes have had on the NHL. Don't get me wrong, there have been a lot of influential and key Swedes over the past 20 years: Salming, Steen, Ulf Samuelson (think Neely), Zetterburg, Lidstrom, to name but a few. Detroit seems to be pretty good at grabbing obscure Swedes from late rounds of the draft. Ottawa used to be decent at it as well. Most UBers are too young to remember the Stastny brothers in Quebec (3 of them at one time), but these guys were kick ass.

But, I do have to ask UBers, does anybody really notice when a Swede falls in the forest? I have no idea what that means and a loud fog-horn just went off as I wrote that. An owl just started hooting as well. Tumbleweed rolled by as the owl was hooting. You get the point.

What I'm trying to say is that why the hell is it that whenever a Swedish NHLer retires, it goes virtually unnoticed, or fails to draw any sort of emotion from my cold, cold, soul.

Is it because they are just boring personalities? I can't think of a single exciting Swede. For example, Sundin is all but forgotten. This is kind of hard to believe considering he is the all time Leaf point-getter. No jersey retirement, not an IKEA TV stand named after him, nothing. Considering the Leafs have very little to hang a hat on over the past 40 years, you'd think that you'd be constantly reminded of Sundin's records during every CBC Saturday night special puck drop. Think of how long they have been milking Sittler's 10 point game for. Sittler must do 30 puck drops a season. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe the Leafs have forgotten about him as well.

Anyway, I call on all UBers to reflect on their favourite Swedish NHL memories. Unfortunately, there is a good chance you don't have any. Seriously, look through this list of over 600 Swedish NHLers. You won't recognize 590 of them or, you may say, "fuck, I forgot about Ulf Thors". Who the hell are these guys? The good news is that you probably won't remember this post, either. "Pass it to me, braja" says Daniel to Henrik.

Mad Mario, plus 10-Rub Thoughts

2011-02-15T21:17:00.012-05:00

Did anyone see the game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the New York Islanders? I didn't, but after reading some of the reports, most notably Elliotte Friedman's post of the game, it sounds like it was one for the ages. In his post, Friedmans writes:

"Undoubtedly, Lemieux is angry that Matt Martin only got four games for his sucker job on Max Talbot, while Haley got nothing at all."

I will admit that although I never watched this game between the Penguins and Islanders and have not yet seen the highlights I too would have been outraged and disgusted at the League's actions. Seeing how James Wisniewski received a two game suspension for his lewd gesture earlier in the season I can only assume that Matt Martin should have received much more than his four game suspension. Again, although I have not seen the highlights, it doesn't make sense to me that one player gets a two game suspension for making a gesture while another player only gets suspended two more additional games for committing the actual offense. And to make matters even worse, God only knows what Haley did to Talbot. Furthermore, seeing how it sounds like Talbot was not a willing participant, I am not sure how Martin was even able to get Talbot's equipment off without some kind of additional force that should have warranted additional suspension games of its own -- after all, it must have taken an incredible amount of force in order to complete an on-ice "sucker job" upon an unwillingly participant. Where sexual assault charges should have been laid, the NHL chose a four game suspension instead. Can anyone blame Lemieux for being so angry?

10 RUB THOUGHTS

Biggest surprise of the week: Kris Versteeg got traded already
Second biggest surprise: to hear that Lupul is still a wanted commodity.
Despite all the smack talk regarding Alex Kovalev he has got to be one of the smartest hockey players in the league right now. He appears to be ending his year long slump just in time to make himself marketable right before the trade deadline. Two weeks ago no one would want him but now he must be getting some attention.
Prediction: the Penguins will trade for Kovalev.
After looking at the standings I think the Eastern Conference is pretty much set.
Things are more tighter in the Western Conference. I think the Predators will slip out of the top eight and the Kings will sneak in there.
Unfortunately, I don't think the Chicago Blackhawks will make the playoffs this year. Maybe if Duncan Keith was a bit taller then they might have a chance.
Incredible run to the top of the UB Fantasy Pool for Mock Messier. After all these weeks and still on top. Unbelievable.
This must make it for an awkward household seeing how Dream McAmmond is struggling to even crack the top six.
Breaking news: Ottawa Senators have traded Chris Kelly, quite possibly the last heart and soul player for the Senators. Chris Phillips will be next.

Fisher = Class Act

2011-02-13T19:28:00.004-05:00

Saw this full page ad in the paper this morning:

The Sens made the right choice in unloading this guy...getting a first round pick for a guy that was overpaid due largely to his popularity is pretty good, plus he's not getting any younger. Still, it's tough to see him go. He was a gritty player who seemed to always give it his all (if only some of that work ethic could have rubbed off on some previous teammates, things might have been different). He did some amazing work in the community, and gave newspaper editors an excuse to run Carrie Underwood pictures on the front page every day (probably what I'll miss the most). In any case, his ad was much more well recieved than the last guys was...

"Eff you Ottawa.
Signed, Dany Effin' Heatley, Allstar"

Ottawa Senators Begin the Rebuild

2011-02-10T17:32:00.001-05:00

The Ottawa Senators have started to shed players and salary in hopes of rebuilding their team. GM Brian Murray traded centre Mike Fisher to the Nashville Predators for a 1st Round pick and a conditional pick. Puck Daddy has an old interview with Fisher where he talks about eventually moving to Nashville, where his wife hails ~~Yoko~~ Carrie Underwood from.

So how will the hardnosed two-way centre be known in Nashville? As "Mr. Underwood" y'all:

So long Fisher, this trade will leave Ottawa with large quantity of suddenly useless #12 ladies t-shirts.

This trade shows that the rebuild in Ottawa is on for real. While I expected Fisher to remain because of his ties to the community and the need for the Senators organization to find a new face for the franchise when Alfredsson retires, the move takes a contract that runs through 2012-13 and an annual hit of $4-million and change off the books. The Sens get some flexibility is remodeling the team. For the Preds, the trade means they are serious about making a run. It also means I can name another player besides Sea Weber on that team.

Predator (1987): A Carl Weathers classic.

Some analysts believe that Ottawa made a mistake by not getting more or an additional prospect in the deal. Fisher can help a team now. A late first-round pick (Nashville sits 11th in the league currently) will not be of much help for a couple of seasons.

We know Fisher was asked where he would like to be traded. Nashville was on his list of desirable locations, for obvious reasons. Brian Murray probably took a lesser deal to send the long-time Senator somewhere he would be happy, as a thank you for the good times. To be far, his pay cheque was structured in the same way. He never lived up to his big contract point-wise (with the exception of last year) but he was a character player who was active in the Ottawa community. The Sens get a good return for a core player and send a message that the organization treats its players with respect. Will it be the same with Chris Philips?

UB All-Star Draft

2011-02-08T22:25:00.007-05:00

With the recent NHL All-Star Draft still fresh in our mind, Blackwater and I decided to hold our own draft of sorts. Over the course of about 30 minutes (and on company time I might add) we took turns selecting UB members to our own respective All-Star teams, Team Blackwater and Team Ttenrub. The following is how the draft unfolded:

Blackwater: With my first selection, I am going to go with my hometown boy: Mr. Bean! This guy has been a consistent contributor since day 1. He's in a bit of a slump currently but I feel this may be a chance for him to break out. You're up.

Ttenrub: Nice pick. With my first selection, I will take Rejean Lemelin. His posts aren't always that frequent, but it is the quality that I'm after. And his posts are always top notch quality. Your pick.

B: Nice steal. I will select Steve-Z. He may be losing the Fantasy Draft he created and manages for Unassisted Biscuit but he's a gutsy member of this group. You're up.

Tt: Wow, you literally took my next pick. However, with that being said, it would be an honour to select with my second pick, KP-ing in Real. He is a tough kid and a real up and comer. I expect him to be dropping bombs all over... Now you.

(side note: shortly after drafting KP he posted on the Kessel/Wilson rift...beauty)

B: I will select Charles Di Pintico next. I don't know that he has ever contributed a post and I am %90 sure he lost his login, but because you are visiting him next weekend for the Oilers/Senators game I wanted to create an awkward tension between you two.

Tt: Awkward tension completed. I will try and create some awkward tension for yourself as well, and will take one of your other homeboys, Peter Puck.

B: The good news is that I already created awkwardness between us by cheering against his beloved Greenbay Packers. And I also defiled his cheesehead hat in a way that should not be described over the internet.

So I am torn while looking at UB's two Yankee contributors - but I have to take recent production into account. Stuck changed his name to '4 Minutes for High-Stucking' and followed up with a Boudreau post that left me exhilarated and confused. I'd like to welcome him to Team Blackwater. The proverbial ball is in your corner.

Tt: I will lay claim to the other Yankee Doodle Dandy... that is of course after he has arrived back from riding into town on his pony, and sticking a feather in his cap and calling it macaroni. I select AZV321.

B: I am looking at the draft floor (*attractive women are folding up the unused folding chairs) and I see a real bargain. I will select the Wolf Whisperer. Sure, he may not be an actual writer but a ghost blogger that you and I forgot that we created, but he's the best player available at this point in the draft.

Tt: With my last pick I select Phil Kessel.

Further Thoughts on Toronto...

2011-02-07T13:58:00.012-05:00

Wow this is a shock...I mean who would have thought that Brian Burkes handpicked future of the organization-superstar would find the pressure of playing in Toronto too much; or find that playing for Ron Wilson is like playing for that cranky old man who lives down the street. He's rude, partially retarded, always sarcastic and hands out fruit on Halloween.

I still am in shock that this balding loser, who has been labeled selfish since before he was drafted, was Burke’s choice to rebuild this franchise. Do you think Burke just OD'd on skoal mint flavored dip in the press box and in his minty tobacco induced high decided to trade away 2 first round draft picks for this whiney baby? I mean there is a reason Boston didn’t pursue him.

I love to rag on the Leafs as much as anyone else but seriously if this nonsense was happening with any other team I would be shocked. In fact I feel that the GM of that team might not have such a long leash, but I guess if you are loud and obnoxious enough then people will go along with you.

I’m calling it right now Wilson gets canned during the off season (probably around draft day so leafs fans forget that Boston is yet again picking on their behalf.) This will spark the media and Leafs fans to blame the coaching for their losing ways. They will think they have the best roster in the league, sign a UFA like Jeff Finger to a high salary no trade clause deal and start the season with hopes of not making the playoffs for the first time since the lockout...but winning the cup. It will only be when their team is in dead last place with a balding jerk who can’t score and is rocking a worse +/- than Blackwater in this year’s UB pool will they realize something. That something is something I have been saying since the day he was hired and that is….That Brian Burke is an ego maniac who thought he could rebuild an entire franchise through trades and Free agent signings in just 2 years. A GM who will leave this team in a worse position than when he took office. A GM that has ingested so much Skoal through the years he’s seeing mint flavored players take the ice every night.

Kessel to demand trade; Wilson to be fired; Maple Leafs imploding!

2011-02-07T12:52:00.000-05:00

Standard over the top coverage of the Toronto Maple Leafs yesterday as news emerged that sniper (?) Phil Kessel and Coach Ron Wilson don't talk much. Kessel has been bumped to the 3rd line and Wilson may have suggested that Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne were better goal-scorers than Kessel. He also mentioned that water was wet and that fire was hot (More on this as it develops).

Kessel remains seated at the Draft, after both All-Star Captains decide

"We're good" and exit the building with their new teams.

Kessel was quoted as saying "it may not be working here." Is his talking about Toronto? his line? hockey as a profession? the location of his hair-part? All hands on deck! We need as many Kessel wants out of Toronto articles as possible by Monday. Oh wait, it now seems he meant his line wasn't working but he loves the Big Smoke.

Perhaps, Kessel is aware that I selected him the Unassisted Biscuit Fantasy draft. Unlike the All-Star draft, I didn't even pick him last. I figured him a lock for 35-40 goals (based on last year). Yikes - was I wrong. As if the lack of goals wasn't enough, this guy is killing my plus/minus. Perhaps his quote was referring to it not working on my Fantasy Team? If so, he hit the nail right on the head. Ryan Callahan and Troy Brouwer have been excellent Right Wingers on my squad and have earned more playing time. Perhaps I do need to deal the struggling Leaf. Any takers?

In all this quotes taken out of context nonsense, it seems everyone forgot to ask Darryl Boyce about how he feels having Kessel on his line. He's probably not thrilled about the hit his +/- is going to take.

Bruce Boudreau - Comic Savant

2011-02-06T09:50:00.004-05:00

Living in DC provides a certain level of access to Bruce Boudreau's comic stylings not available those outside the DMV (DC-MD-VA). For instance, this great commercial starring Bruce and his swinger party friend, Hadeed.

Or this great one featuring baseball superstar Ryan Zimmerman.

And finally, this bit of organized violence at a Mercedes dealership.

Rick DiPietro is Injured

2011-02-04T13:40:00.004-05:00

Least surprising news of the hockey season:

Rick DiPietro is hurt. Again. The Bleacher Report has this awesome stat:

"From 2008 to present, DiPietro has played a total of 34 NHL games."

Let's not forget his 15 year contract is work $67.5 million contract is no where near its completion. How do you think management felt as Mr. Glass dropped the mitts and helmet with Penguins backup Brent Johnson:

(Listen to the announcers talk about the dangers of DiPietro risking injury!)

News today that DiPietro is out with facial fractures and a swollen knee. So does Nabokov come to the rescue of the Islanders? Does this trade come back to haunt the Isles?

Razor Returns?

2011-02-01T16:27:00.002-05:00

The last time I saw Ray Emery on TV was during the summer on some Canadian entertainment show doing a segment on Keshia Chante. Turns out they are an item. I love when Canadian celebs come together. Like if Alan Thicke and Catherine O'Hara shacked up. But I digress. I figured Emery was done. Ego; alarm clocks; Russian trainers; hats; and finally a serious bone disorder in his hip (avascular necrosis) were all working to derail his career.

But he's making a comeback! And Bo Jackson is apparently interested in it!! AND he's lady has been nominated for a Juno!!! His agent claims there a three suitors looking to sign the goalie for a playoff push. All signs are pointing to 2011 being Emery's year.

Update: Emery speaks to Ottawa's Team 1200. Dreger reports the Ducks and Flyers are interested in Sugar Ray.

Latest Update: Emery is a Duck!

Always Tip Your Usher

2011-01-27T13:44:00.000-05:00

I like ushers - I always pick the wrong side of the section to come in and have to climb over an extra 50 sets of legs (causing beer spillage) to get to my seat . The usher always knows if I am one set of stairs too close or too far. I also like how ushers control human traffic during the play; only allowing latecomers to filter to their seats during stoppages. Class acts. Yet, I have never tipped an usher.

A Flames fan in Calgary tipped his usher a cool 13 Gs. The fan left before the 50/50 draw (he couldn't bear to watch the Flames lose another blowout) and told the usher he can have his ticket if he would split the potential winnigs. The ticket won. The usher collected the coin and sought the fan out the next game.

Nice to see not all lottery winners are crooked thieves. Ttenrub will be attending an important Edmonton Oilers game in the upcoming weeks. He better buy 50/50 tickets for everyone.

The Guardian Project III

2011-01-26T14:47:00.001-05:00

Marvel and the NHL unleashed some zingers. The All-Star Game is rapidly approaching, while the Guardians finally receive direction and purpose?

Here we go!

The Boston Bruin's heroic Guardian - a bear in a basketball jersey! Unfortunately, the Bruins already have an awesomely heroic bear. Editor's note: Googling "bear" and "Boston" got me some unexpected images. You have been warned.

Nerd alert! For the defending Stanley Cup champs: Pat Kane wearing a ceiling fan on his back and flashlights in his wrists? Lame.

Sweet donkey-faced Beelzebub! This guy is certainly not a nerd in a space suit. Scary character - especially since it is completely conceivable that Lou Lamoriello could summon something like this from his evil lair.

Swimming goggles and a mohawk? "Hey Lightning - 1982 called, they want their hair style back." zing! I got nothing, Tampa Bay has been shockingly good - with the exception of Simon Gange, because I have him in my fantasy pool...

"An immovable object" - sounds like Tomas Kaberle or Dion Phaneuf's chin. A "walking" tree that is "immovable" is the perfect representation of the Maple Leafs defence. A tree would have to be the only living creature old enough to remember the last time the Leafs won anything.

The King. An ambassador of LA that "causes earthquakes'. I don't know if that will make him really popular with the locals... I like the purple garter on his left thigh and the faux-fur shoulder pads. Only in LA!

Wow. Terrifying. It looks like some type of rabid-Wolverine with a Blackberry holstered on his right hip? (Wait, a Blackberry?! Very coy Marvel artists!) So this "drifter" wears a trenchcoat that seems to contain several sort of rocket-syringes? I'd feel safer leaving my lady at the bar next to Mike Komisarek than this roofie-hero... Also, he may have a sand-dinosaur behind him?

Maybe the Guardians work together to relocate this pervert away from the women and children.

Breaking News from Ottawa! McGuire Already Interviewed for Ottawa Job

2011-01-24T07:52:00.003-05:00

Waking up in Orleans this morning I have some early morning breaking news from the nation's capital (compliments of my dad): Pierre McGuire has already been interviewed for what is sure to be an open head coach position within the Ottawa Senators. Now, there are a lot of Ottawa fans who are members of UB (myself included) and I do have to ask, would we rank this Monster at the top of our lists? This team is going to be in the gutter for at least the next five years, and a confident coach who can take a beating is required. There are also a number of other concerning questions: for example, is Dutchie going to be Assistant Coach, and is he going to kick some ass (also scroll to 1:48 here)?

Is this bad idea jeans? Most of you are probably too young to remember this SNL skit, and I have been unable to find it online -- but it is common verbiage for men in their early 30s to say "bad idea jeans" instead of "bad idea" -- here's a more modern version of the skit)?

And in memory of Dan Carvey's good days with NSL: Discuss.

The Guardian Project II

2011-01-19T20:04:00.001-05:00

When I posted a few NHL Guardians last week, I figured these would be the worst (or best?) put forward by Stan Lee and the NHL. I find the worse they are, the more I enjoy them. Just a sick guilty pleasure:

"Gritty young savior" that "travels on a frozen ice sheet" in scuba-diving gear? Who could they be referencing? Do weaknesses include blows to the head and boring media quotes?

Guns. Everywhere. Even out the hip/groin area. Too bad the Blue Jackets array of weaponry is limited to Rick Nash. As weird as this Transformer-ripoff looks, he's a big step up from the phallic mascot the BJs currently use...

Opps, I said "Transformer" too early. Considering the hockey powerhouse that Detroit manages to produce year after year, a robot on training wheels is a miss. Also, the other Original 6 team Guardians were provided with a '6' badge - how did Hockey Town USA get missed?

Batman with a manta-ray on his back? No - it's The Canuck! This fella "controls the power of rain" and uses it to disrupt the Winter Classic...

The Hurricane will be the host Guardian at the NHL All-Star game (Quick cheap shot: he blows). I will save readers the time and Google barometric... Here we go: "relating to atmospheric pressure or indicated by a barometer". So that's what he does. Also, does he not look like an old school Mortal Combat character?

Mullets!

2011-01-17T13:26:00.001-05:00

Though not hockey related, this story is hockey hair related.

There is a bar called Mullets (amazing) with an array of head shots of famous celeb-mullets. AC Slater, obviously, is one of these framed beauties. For reasons unknown, some maniac attacked the Slater photos and smashed them. He has since been arrested.

"Short for the ladies; long for the helmet."
- Jaromir Jagr (1994)

I've never been to Mullets, but I can be fairly certain that this Jagr photo is hanging on their wall.

Capital Changes, plus 10-Rub thoughts

2011-01-15T16:56:00.018-05:00

Coach. Players. General Manager. When times are tough there is a good chance that one, if not more, of these people will be removed from the team either via trade or termination. In the case of the Ottawa Senators there is a very real possibility that all involved could be gone. Clouston and Murray will probably be fired and as many players as possible will be traded...that is as soon as they find teams that may actually want them (spoiler alert: they won't find any).

Clouston's time as head coach is nearing the end. Nothing is going his way right now and any hope of a resurrection was probably lost after losing to the Flames. To make matters worse he is even being out-coached by his own doppelganger, Pete, in our UB Fantasy Hockey Pool.

In reality, it's only a matter of time before Murray, in a meager attempt to save his own job, will swoop in and give his coach the pink slip. Also, in another attempt (his final attempt) to prove to Melnyk that he is still worthy of a job with the Senators, he will take over as the coach for the rest of the season. After the conclusion of a very disappointing season Murray will find himself sharing a table with Clouston at the local soup kitchen, sharing stories of what could have been if an often-injured, under performing, Alex Kovalev hadn't entered their lives.

10-RUB THOUGHTS

Kovalev is currently injured with a knee injury that no one really knows when it occurred. However, I'm pretty sure it occurred sometime around July 1st 2009.

Biggest surprise in the Fantasy Pool -- Mock Messier. At the end of this week could be sitting alone on the top of the standings.

Second biggest surprise in the Fantasy Pool -- Steve-Z. Has climbed his way out of the basement and into the playoffs, after posting a 6-1-2 record in the last 9 weeks. He also dropped Kovalev from his team during that time. Coincidence?

Third biggest surprise in the Fantasy Pool -- Bean. After going 5-0-0 in the first 5 weeks, hasn't managed to put together back-to-back wins since and is sliding down the standings fast.

Not overly excited to see the new team mascots that Blackwater reported on. Specifically, the Sabre. Don't get me wrong, the idea is great, but they probably could have come up with something a little better than manipulating all forms of water and such.

Better idea for the NHL Guardian project. Make hero cards for the team's former great bruisers. Derek Boogaard for the Wild, Dave Semenko for the Oilers, and Rob Ray for the Sabres.

Pretty sure that Boogaard could destroy "The Wild" in a fight anyways, celestial incinerators from his hands and all.

Not sure why Ovechkin isn't producing, but seeing how I am in the middle of a tight match-up with Team Tusk I'm not complaining.

As much as I hate to admit it, it looks like the Vancouver Canucks just might be the team to beat in the West this year. They are playing really good right now and it burns me.

If the playoffs started today, the Canucks would face the Blackhawks in the first round. Blackhawks would win in 6 and would have chased Luongo mid-way through the second period.

The Guardian Project

2011-01-10T12:51:00.001-05:00

The NHL has teamed up with Marvel's Stan Lee to create 'The Guardian Project'. Sounds like a great move - this guy created Spider-man, the Hulk, Iron Man and piles of other superheroes. His comics and movies are goldmines. Plus, the NHL is always looking for new ways to market itself.

My only problem is that I don't understand why the NHL teams need these super-mascots... Do they fight each other? Crime? Peter Puck? Is a Saturday morning cartoon in the works?

Nevertheless, here are my current three favorites:

The Guardian of the Minnesota Wild. Looks like the love child of the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Toons and Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. A "whirling dervish of destruction"? Are you allowed to steal from Looney Tunes so openly?

The Oiler... So this blue-collar Edmontonian controls oil manipulation - Like OPEC? He looks like a muscular gas attendant. Seriously, what kind of superhero has a gas pump with him at all times?

"A human hydroelectric plant." So there is a shrub protecting this city. Why does a plant need a sword? Pruning? I don't understand this. Can he protect cabbies from arrogant young NHLers?

I can't wait for all 30 superhero-guardians to be released to protect the NHL from... something. Maybe expansion? Maybe Donald Fehr? I still don't really get where this is headed.

Team Canada better win...

2011-01-05T15:19:00.000-05:00

Later this evening, the IIHF World Juniors tourney final will feature Russia and Canada. Canada has already beaten Russia in the tournament but those wily Russians can be slippery - I just watched Salt. This game is important for so many reasons but for me (and maybe some fellow hosers) it is extra important because it is the only time this year that I can cheer on my team in a meaningful game. The NHL Canadian teams are (mostly) terrible.

My own hometown team, the Sens, are disastrous. Owner Melnyk, GM Murray, and Coach Clouston are allegedly at odds (this is according to the Toronto Sun so this may hold less water than the sponge I use to wash the dishes [*spoiler: it's very small]). The fact that d-man Erik 'the gazelle' Karlsson is leading the team in points is less a sign of his NHL dominance as it is a sign of his teammates underwhelming play. I was at the Canes-Sens game. Not a home team goal to cheer for. Milan Michalek "fought" or so the score-sheet says. Yikes.

Frequent UB contributor Cam is a Leafs fan: Cheers for The Big Smoke. The Buds. Bleeds Blue. Thinks Wendel Clark's 'stache is sexy. That kinda fan. Yet even those arrogant Leaf fans are starting to see the shine come off their savior (and GM) Brian Burke. A Leaf fan can't even hope to suck enough for a draft pick. All they can do is hope to spite Boston.

If you are a Flames fan, then you likely can't read and so I can write whatever I want. The Flames are a mess. The Sutter family reunion did not provide the wins it was expected to: ex-GM Darryl is gone and not talking to anyone; Brett was traded by his dad to play with his ex-coach's son Brandon; Coach Brent is still around. I don't know why the Sutter family needs so many 'B' surnames but that last sentence took me 15 minutes. In any case, the Flames are second last in the West.

The Leaf coin is only worth 10 cents.

Which brings us to the Oilers - Ttenrub's team of choice. Last in the West but with potential. They are an exciting team with a lot of youth. Something that cannot be said about the previously mentioned Canadian squads. Taylor Hall scores game winner? Check. Magnus Paajarvi scores with one hand? Check. Jordan Eberle scores potential goal of the year? Check. Linus Omark spins into controversy with his shoot-out winner? Check. Goalie appealing drunk driving charges? Check. I didn't even have to mention the Oilers' Octane to paint a positive picture.

If you are a Habs fan then I am envious of you (Charles de Pintico). You got to cheer on your team during an unlikely playoff drive last Spring and may get the chance again this season. Montreal is 8th in the East. But 3-6-1 in their last 10. Zut alors!

For those few 'Nucks fans - Congrats! You're team is a favorite to win the Stanley Cup! If you're lucky, you might not even have to meet Chicago in the post-season this year. But the city of Vancouver really needs this, it's not like they just hosted the most exciting hockey tournament in recent history... Jerks.

My money is on the Canucks being the only Canadian representative in the post-season this year. The Habs will finish 9th. The Senators and Flames will shed players and salary at the deadline. Neither will look much better next season. The Leafs will continue to exist between playoffs and lottery picks. The Oilers will challenge in the next 3-4 years (just as Khabibulin's probation ends).

New Years resolution - bring the monthly UB posting up from the dreadful 4. Worse than the Devils (5 wins in December).

Crosby Pushing The Easy Button

2010-12-17T13:12:00.005-05:00

These are just some predictions Im going to call early:

1. Crosby hits 65 goals this season.

2. Crosby gets plus 130 points this season.

3. Hits 30 games minimum on his point streak.

4. In our UB fantasy pool Team Tusk will regret ever drafting Ovechkin over Crosby....but, lets be real, probably not

Basically Crosby is pushing the easy button on this season just like this kid(wait until the end)

And on a side not in the UB Fantasy Pool, much like it's counterpart, North Korea, The People's Republic of Kariya have been dropping bombs on the opposition like it was an island of the coast of South Korea. Undefeated since the 1st week of November and 5 straight wins now. All hail KP Jong Ill!

Gretzky's #1 in #2

2010-12-10T19:15:00.000-05:00

Wayne Gretzky, the greatest hockey player to ever play the game of hockey, left a Toronto area LCBO a little surprise in the bathroom after signing a few bottles of his Wayne Gretzky Estate wine...

That's why they call it Gretzky's office?

Rest in peace, plus 10-Rub thoughts

2010-12-10T00:17:00.006-05:00

It is with a heavy heart that I must report on a fallen UB member. Yesterday, while at work I learned that one of our colleagues may have met an untimely death. A co-worker forwarded me an email obituary that described a horrific death of a young Southern Ontario man. Upon learning that this young man was a Toronto Maple Leaf fan and that our very own Cam has been noticeably absent from any Unassisted Biscuit postings, I pieced the puzzle together. UB's Cam is dead. Our thoughts and prayers goes out to his family.

The email obituary:
Toronto Police Department reports finding a man's body in a local river just west of the Don Valley Parkway. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Toronto Maple Leaf hockey jersey. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass. The police removed the Toronto Maple Leaf hockey jersey--- to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

10-RUB THOUGHTS

Does Mike Comrie still have mono? -- Does anybody care? I kind of thought he would be producing a lot more than just 5 assists so far this season.

Mark Recchi notched his 1,500th point the other night. Quite possibly the best thing that ever came out of Kamloops and possibly the best thing that will ever come out of Kamloops. In 2000 he was named "Kamloops Male Athlete of the 20th Century" and although he will be 132 years old when the next century comes around he will probably win that award as well. In fact, until they accept drug dealers and drifters as athletes Mark Recchi will continue to win the award.

Congrats to Val Bure for wining the Battle of the Blades. It may be a bit sad that this will rate as one of his greatest ice-related accomplishments.

Special recognition goes out to Todd Warriner. He came close to wining and logged more ice-time in the last few months than he probably had all of his hockey career.

Can't believe how good Crosby is playing right now. He already has 50 points on the year and on pace for a possible 50 goals in 50 games...despite being on a line with Pascal Dupuis and Chris Kunitz.

Chris Kunitz has to be the most active player in the UB Fantasy Pool. I must have picked him up, only to place him on waivers soon after, 5 or 6 times. Congrats to Mock Messier for picking him up again.

Prediction: Some one will pick up Pascal Dupuis before this week is over.

Little bit surprised to the see the lack of goal scoring from Henrik Sedin. He is currently on pace to end the season with a grand total of 9 goals. I realize that he has a ton of assists but only 3 goals so far?

Was not expecting Carey Price to be out performing Jaroslav Halak...especially after the way Halak started the season.

Best match-up of the week: Mock Messier vs. Dream McAmmond. The winner will probably be decided on the final day and the loser will probably never hear the end of it. Best of luck to both.

Hately

2010-12-02T09:18:00.000-05:00

Dany Heatley returns to Ottawa to face the Senators today. Ottawa fans are expected to give him a rough ride after he demanded to be traded out of Ottawa in the Summer of 2009, citing a diminished role on the team as the impetus for his demand.

While Sens fans feel slighted by the rejection and the second-rate return they got from the Sharks, especially in comparison to the deal Edmonton was ready to wheel, they have nothing on the $4,000,000 axe Eugene Melnyk has to grind. Nevertheless, I hope all the ~~civil servants~~ fans at the game tonight boo, hiss, gnash their teeth, and tar and feather the former Senator. His departure from Ottawa clearly demonstrated his thin skin - perhaps Ottawa can take advantage for a rare win.

Heatley can expect to take crap from the media, the fans, elderly citizens of Ottawa, female baseball players, and even the local fauna:

Enjoy the sunny westcoast, your All-Star linemates and millions of dollars. Jerk.

HA!

2010-11-25T14:25:00.000-05:00

Laughing is the big topic this week.

First we had Jason Spezza laughing at the "Canadian anthem" in Carolina. Spez loves to let loose a good ol' chuckle:

Don't forget laughter was also a popular topic in the other nation's capital with 'Laugh-gate'. Kovlauchuk, Semin and Ovechkin shared some giggles after a 5-0 drubbing by the NJ Devils, much to Coach Boudreau's displeasure. Kovalchuk cleared the air today and defended his fellow Russian sniper.

Good times she wrote.

Don't Hassel the HHOF

2010-11-19T14:18:00.018-05:00

Apologies for my lack of contribution to UB as of late. I have been on a soul-searching pilgrimage after reading Sun Media's list of controversial Hockey Hall of Fame inductees. Specifically, the list targets Dick Duff. And with that, I must take issue.

The short entry on Duff reads:

Why he's in the Hall: Having played 18 NHL seasons between 1955-72, Duff retired with six Stanley Cup championship wins under his belt – two with the Toronto Maple Leafs and four with the Montreal Canadiens.

Why he shouldn't be: Despite his six Cups, Duff played over 1,000 games in the league but only managed 572 points, so he was hardly a dominant player, especially considering how much smaller the league was during his tenure.

I love the first part, but I'm not crazy about the "Why he shouldn't be" entry. Here's why it is wrong:

Reiterating that he has 6 Stanley Cup rings is a poor way to start an argument against his induction, as is listing his impressive plus 1,000 game career. His regular season goals per game averages out to 0.55. A solid statistic but, as The Sun concludes, not dominant. We will get to Duff's playoff PPG shortly.

For some reason, Sun Media believes that because the league was smaller circa the 1960s, points were handed out at the door. The way I see it, a smaller league means a stronger crop of players. Consider the current debate on contraction in the NHL; a smaller league means less players therefore the league is reduced to the top echelon of players. The Olympics displayed this last year in Vancouver.

Duff lined up with guys like George Armstrong, Johnny Bower, Tim Horton, Red Kelly, David Keon, Frank Mahovlich, Bert Olmstead, Bob Pulford and Allan Stanley. To stand out amongst that group is an achievement in itself. If your playing with and against the best, points are harder to come by. Sure, Duff probably could have padded his personal stats if he got to play against the 2010 Edmonton Oilers (Ttenrub still has Khabibulin in his fantasy pool!) a couple times a year. Instead, he settled for playing against teams like Bobby Orr's Boston Bruins.

If the Sun was referring to a smaller league in terms of the players being physically smaller, Duff was hardly a heavyweight at 160-odd pounds. Brian Gionta and Pat Kane are bigger. Either way, Legends of Hockey refer to Duff as pound-for-pound one of the toughest in the NHL - which makes sense as the Duffs from the mining town of Kirkland Lake were built like barrel-chested dwarfs. His 743 career penalty minutes speak to a player who can take care of himself if needed (skip to 5:40).

Ignoring the Sun's poorly phrased explanation, the playoffs were what earned Duff his HHOF induction. His point production took a substantial leap from 0.55 in the regular season to 0.69 in playoffs. He was a big money player who thrived under the pressure. In 1962, Duff scored the Stanley Cup Final game winning goal against the Chicago Blackhawks. While a game winning goal is scored in the Stanley Cup Final every season, only one broke the 'Barilko Curse' and is immortalized in The Tragically Hip jam 'Fifty Mission Cap'. That goal belongs to Terence Richard 'Dick' Duff.

At the very least, Duff could be considered an exceptional player of the 1960s. Duff won a Stanley Cup in the years 1962, 1963 (with Toronto), 1965, 1966, 1968, and 1969 (with Montreal). His team lost in the Stanley Cup Finals in 1960 and 1967. A full decade of spring hockey and no Cup hangover to speak of.

Other smaller achievements that could have aided Duff's induction (and his exclusion from the Sun's insultingly ignorant list) may include seven All-Star game appearances (1956, 1957, 1958, 1962, 1963, 1965 and 1967); a short coaching tenure with the Maple Leafs (1980-81); a long stint as a Toronto scout; and leading the St. Mike's Majors to the 1955 Memorial Cup.

And that is exactly why Dick Duff is in the Hockey Hall of Fame and why he should be.

Worst Hockey Cards of All Time

2010-11-18T20:34:00.004-05:00

Great article for UB readers found here.

This was at the peak of my hockey card collecting days. I've got some extra singles from Score and Pro Set that I can share with everyone. Let me know what #s you need. I've also got a few Eric Lindros RCs that I'm willing to put on the block if the offer is right.

I may be the only person in Canada to have the PGA set that's mentioned in the article. I stole it from Giant Tiger on St. Joseph... shoved it right down my jogging pants (elastic bottom kept it in).

EEEEEEeeeevan Corwaaaaaaayaaaaaay!

All-Star Game changes, plus 10-Rub thoughts

2010-11-08T23:41:00.021-05:00

Welcome to the first posting of "10-Rub thoughts", a bi-weekly post consisting of 10 thoughts, opinions, factoids, trivia, or anything else that comes to mind regarding hockey and those around it. If the format looks familiar it's because it is, I ripped it off of Elliotte Friedman of CBC Sports who has a regular column sporting 30 thoughts. His 30 thoughts are good and perhaps more accurate and thorough than mine will ever be, but in given time I'm sure that they will become the gold standard of hockey related thoughts and opinions.

I heard today that the NHL may be planning to change the selection process of this year's All-Star game. I hope they don't, especially if they consider the proposed change where team captains get to draft their team as if they were picking teams during an Elementary School recess break. What good would this do? It would make the All-Star game more of a popularity contest than it already is instead of recognizing the players who actually deserve to be there. For instance, if they had used the proposed All-Star selection process in 1989 would you honestly believe our very own Reggie Lemelin would have been selected among his peers and been invited to the All-Star game. Not a chance.

10-RUB THOUGHTS

1. After a very slow start it appears that Kovalev has finally decided to play hockey again. The only person happier than Cory Clouston? -- our very own Steve-Z. He picked up Kovalev off waivers in the Fantasy Hockey Pool and is hoping for continued success.

2. Continued success is a bit of an exaggeration. With a record of 0-3-1 Steve-Z hasn't really had much success at all. The only thing worse than his horrible record? -- his Fantasy prediction.

3. Has anyone else been following CBC's Battle of the Blades and wondered when Patrice Brisebois will choke and ruin the competition for him and his partner? In case you are wondering, just like when he used to play for the Canadiens, he will wait until very late in the competition, stumble when pivoting backwards, and fall to the ice, allowing Mr. D.J Tanner and his partner to win the Battle of the Blades.

4. In my opinion, the best players on the Canucks right now: Raffi Torres and Manny Malholtra. They seem to be the difference makers. The worst: Roberto Luongo. For whatever reason he doesn't seem to have the same presence in net this year.

5. Biggest surprise team in the West: St. Louis. Honestly did not think Halak would make that big of a difference.

6. Biggest surprise team in the East: Atlanta Thrashers. They already have 6 wins this season. Didn't think they would hit this mark until some time in December.

7. Prediction: Jarome Iginla will be traded after this year, or perhaps earlier. Calgary Flames need to do something to shake this team up and at this stage a full re-build is probably necessary. Trading Iginla could quickly help that out.

8. Iginla probably wouldn't mind a change of scenery either. Things have been downhill for Iginla and the Flames since losing in 2004 and his only hope at returning to the Stanley Cup Final again would be with a different uniform.

9. Sheldon Souray has broken his hand in another fight, this time in AHL. He may want to consider not fighting anymore. If he keeps this trend up, this time next year he will be breaking his hands in a fight during an ECHL game. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this guy.

10. Actually picked Souray in the Fantasy Hockey Pool. Looking back now I regret that. Although probably not as much as Steve-Z probably regrets making his Fantasy Hockey Pool Predictions.

Give Dean his Due

2010-11-05T12:37:00.001-04:00

Dean McAmmond, for some inexplicable reason, still does not have a contract this season. The salary cap reality of the NHL has seen quality players take major pay cuts - see Pittsburgh paying Mike Comrie in Brick furniture coupons. Darcy Tucker is retired, Bill Guerin is playing street hockey, Kyle Wellwood is making it rain rubles, and Mike Van Ryn is coaching.

These are not your Wheaties box big name athletes; they are over-the-hill, fat, or Tucker. Teams can still pony up coin for a big name player - you could ice 13 of these guys for 1 Kovalchuk, Spezza, or Gomez. But your utility man or your veteran presence in the locker room is pushed out to make room for the latest draft pick. Those entry level contracts are a steal. But whatever happened to the steady voice of the guy that's been there and seen it all?

I thought a team making a playoff push acquires a veteran in his twilight years with a little jam. Just like the Touch of Grey commercials, you want a veteran who is experienced enough to know what he's doing, but youthful enough to get it done. Enter Dean 'the Machine' McAmmond.

Deano has played for 9 different NHL clubs. He has 46 playoff games under his belt and 996 regular season games. He knows what it takes to get to the Stanley Cup finals. This guy has laced up the skates with Joe Sakic, Peter Forsburg, Jerome Iginla, Bill Ranford, Bob Beers, Tony Amonte, John LeClair, PJ Stock, Daniel Alfredsson, Ilya Kovalchuk... the list goes on.

And, to quote Wikipedia: "He is really fast."

Yet, somehow, McAmmond is in Northern Albert hunting elk instead of playing sound two-way hockey with speed and simplicity that brings a tear to your eye. My bet is that one of the Cup contenders plan on picking him up late in the season on a two-way contract to save some bucks and have him in the dressing room and on the ice come playoffs.

If nothing else, let the poor bastard hit 1000 games and join the elite list of 250-odd players.

Canadian Music and Hockey Collide!

2010-11-04T15:23:00.000-04:00

Since our very own Peter Puck is such a huge Dan Mangan fan; and since he is having a bad week in the ol' Unassisted Biscuit fantasy hockey pool... Here's a little something to cheer him up:

BE Starts at Home

2010-10-28T13:26:00.000-04:00

The Sens put their winning streak (1!) on the line tonight against the Florida Panthers. Brian Elliott gets the start. Hopefully the Senators coaching staff had a look at how the Maple Leafs solved the Panthers on Tuesday...

(Mostly just wanted to put up this image).

Locks of "Brotherly" Love

2010-10-23T13:28:00.008-04:00

The mangy, hairy-beast that is Scott Hartnell is no more. Our friends at TSN have reported that Hartnell has cut his hair. Hartnell is not only cutting his hair but he is also donating it all to "Locks of Love". He is following in the footsteps of other great men before him, most notably Mike Commodore and our very own Blackwater. All great men indeed.

However, this leaves us all (mainly me) with a very important question - how will this affect his game? Like Samson, will his strength and hockey skill be lost with his hair, or like the great lion Aslan, was the hairy mane we all loved merely superficial and the power and strength came from within?

Personally, I am hoping for the latter. And that just like the mighty Aslan, I am hoping that Hartnell comes back even stronger than before. His 1 goal, 1 assist, and -2 rating so far this season isn't exactly the kind of production Ttenrub Dynasty was counting on when they drafted him this year, and if it wasn't for his 27 PIMs Hartnell may very well have been well on his way to the waiver wire.

(Side Note: upon seeing Hartnell's -2 rating, both Blackwater and Steve-Z would have immediately fought over obtaining him and his "great" +/- rating. Has anyone seen their match up?--gross)

Rippin' Mad

2010-10-20T20:37:00.000-04:00

In case you have been without TV, radio or internet these past 24 hours:

Vancouver Canuck Rick Rypien (awesome name) lost his cool and shook a Minnesota Wild fan around like Big Z on MacCabe.

The league has suspended Rypien pending a hearing and the fan has threatened legal action. My favorite reaction is sympathy from Patrick Kane... That's when you know you have hit a new low.

Wisniewski Out-Averys Avery

2010-10-12T15:57:00.000-04:00

The battle of New York took a back seat to the exchange between James Wisniewski and Sean Avery:

UB prediction: Wiz will get a one game suspension (he's a repeat offender). Count Bettman was in attendance at the game but did not the exchange. The clip is ridiculously hilarious but even better is the blogging/media reaction to the incident. Since I consider myself a bit of a headline artist myself, reading the rhyming and pun-ny headlines of NHL.com (the Royal Half nails it) and SunMedia is a guilty pleasure. I hoped this would provide me with an avelanche of quips and one-liners. It did.

Here are some of my favorite responses and their contributors:

Unnecessary censoring. (TSN)

"Well, that silly gesture was just the tip of the iceberg..."(Bourne Blog/Puck Daddy)

"... James Wisniewski Isn't Telling Sean Avery to Blow a Lead" (New York Magazine)

"Avery blows off Wisniewski" (SunMedia)
Their classy lead-in is also worth mention: "From sloppy seconds to sloppy gestures, Sean Avery always seems to get sucked into troublesome situations."

Wisniewski, "He was doing his thing. I was doing mine." (Huffington Post)

"Sean Avery Gets Into Spat..." (NYDailyNews)

"Avery got the short - or long, should you believe Wisniewski - end of the stick for a change" (SBNation)

The runaway winner is SunMedia (that headline kept me up last night) with the New York Magazine headline riding shotgun. TSN's sensitivity to censorship reminded me of this gem, so it gets special mention. I suggest UB's whole staff stop double-checking their fantasy pool stats and Assist some alternative headlines for this incident.

UB Fantasy Forecast

2010-10-05T09:22:00.004-04:00

The draft is complete... and the stage is set for the ultimate yearlong fantasy(Or should I say nightmare? It will be for some...) showdown. I have some miscellaneous thoughts before the real season kicks off, and here they are:

- Best Worst Draft Pick (Daigle Award)
...goes to Ttenrub and his Ttenrub Dynasty squad with Sheldon Souray picked in the 8th round. Edmonton has been pretty adamant in demonstrating that he will not be playing this year and it seems like even if he does... he'll be on Edmonton. Although Ttenrub dropped him from his team, his poison in the dressing room remains. Players taken after Souray: Brendan Morrow (Steve-Z), Patrick Sharp (Mock Messier)

- Best Late Round Steal
... goes to Mock Messier,( run by the lethal combination of Blackwater and Ttenrub's significant others) with Patrick Sharp in the 8th round. Can play C and LW, will score oodles, and took him from right under my nose. Well done MM. Well done. Close runners up include Honey Nut Chelios (Rejean) with Martin Havlat in the 15th, and Blackwater with James Neal in the 14th.

- Steve-Z's Pick for Champion
... Steve-Z. I've been looking at all of the other teams for 15 minutes and I just can't come to any other conclusion. Blackwater's team is looking good, same with Red Wings. It will come down to injuries and goaltending... it always seems to.

- My sincere condolences to KP-ing it Real, who missed the draft by about 3 minutes and had to rely on auto draft. It's not looking too bad though... and your hilarious team name (Republic of Kariya) will earn you style points.

- Cam deserves honorable mention for trying to be involved. Though his email request to join was sent about 10 minutes after the draft took place, it was an appreciated effort.

Let the games, trades, injuries, and trash talk begin.
Steve-Z out.

L'Artiste Gets His Hands Dirty

2010-09-30T13:50:00.000-04:00

As they do every year, the Ottawa Senators toyed with my emotions last night by erasing a two-goal deficit against the rival Leafs, grabbing the lead and ... losing in the final two minutes of the hockey game. What is better, they let Nazem Kadri score the winner in a three-point night. Unlike the Senators, safe in Ottawa, I am in the Toronto media's sphere of darkness. Talk of Kadri was just slowly fading away from the front of the sports section. It's back.

Others have made sure to focus on something just as rare as a Maple Leaf victory - an Alex Kovalev fight! (Puck Daddy, Sun Media, Faceoff). All reference Kovy's previous fight, which was against former Leaf Darcy Tucker - a player the entire population of Ottawa knows and loathes. I was curious so I checked it out. Here is the video of the fight, which is all the more interesting as Kovelev shows he is so good with the puck that he can dance around several players just to elbow you in the face (while putting the puck through your legs).

The good news for Sens is that when AK-27 last fought in 2005-06, he went 65 points in 69 games. Last year, he was so silent on the ice that UB writer Ttenrub issued a missing player report. At least this year, we know he's here.

Senator Mike Fisher: Youtube Sensation

2010-09-24T15:07:00.000-04:00

Breaking news from the Ottawa Citizen, Mike Fisher is in Carrie Underwood's latest video!

On the topic of music and hockey colliding, remember Snoop wearing a Pens' jersey in Gin and Juice? Good times.

Order of Canada

2010-09-21T23:06:00.007-04:00

Mario Lemieux was recently awarded the Order of Canada. He was an outstanding hockey player and is an outstanding Canadian and deserves this high honour that Canada has bestowed upon him. Incidentally, former Prime Minister Kim Campbell was awarded the Order of Canada as well. Although she did not play hockey the parallels between the two award recipients are uncanny.

Lemieux played the game at a very high level, excelling in all major scoring categories, often times doing so while being double-teamed. He even managed to score a goal on his first ever shift. Incidentally, Kim Campbell was often double-teamed and also scored on her first shift as Prime Minister...at least this is what Blackwater and I told a cab driver during my last visit to Ottawa. That we were all working on mysteries without any clues...we were working on our night moves. On behalf of Unassisted Biscuit, I would like to congratulate Mario Lemieux and a very special Kim Campbell on receiving the Order of Canada.

Top 10 Habby Thoughts

2010-09-09T16:50:00.001-04:00

Top 10 thoughts running through Khabibulin's mind after he is handed a 30-day sentence:

10- I hope I can bring Steve MacIntyre with me.
9 - I already have an orange uniform.
8 - Maybe Souray will do something stupid to take the heat off me.
7 - This is still less embarrassing than last year.
6 - Thank God I'm not pretty.
5 - Can you blame me for drinking with the roster in front of me?
4 - Team showers are going to be a bit different...
3 - Protect the 5-hole, protect the 5-hole!
2 - 'Running the goalie' just took on a whole new meaning.
1 - This can't be any worse than Edmonton winters.

*With significant contributions (mostly the dirty ones) from Ttenrub.

It's official...

2010-08-31T12:34:00.006-04:00

Chris Chelios, aka Father Time, has finally officially announced his retirement (didn't he retire already?) after 26 seasons. 26?!? Oh that's right...still, this is one event that I did not expect to see in my lifetime.

Unassisted Biscuit Fantasy League 2010

2010-08-31T12:12:00.002-04:00

Here on UB, we thrive on trash talking. It is super fun.

What better way to foster more of it than a UB Fantasy League? It does the trick during the playoffs.

Click on this link.

ID: 17403
Password: deano

Whale of a Signing?

2010-08-25T22:38:00.006-04:00

The Baby Beluga has joined a new pod. TSN is reporting that heavy checker and part-time scorer, Raffi Torres, has signed a one-year contract worth $1 million to swim alongside the orcas of Vancouver. Is $1 million/year for a marginal point producer, prone to injury, whose checks often border on a gray area of acceptability worth it? -- only time will tell. However, just ask any Canuck fan if a $1million/year is worth it if it means never having to face off against this dastardly foe again and the answer will be yes (NOTE: I tried finding the video of Raffi Torres boarding Mike Keane from behind during a game between the Oilers and Canucks on April 3rd 2004 but had no luck finding it --it was dastardly).

As a devote Oilers fan, I have very fond memories of Torres punishing the Vancouver Canucks with hits and timely goals...tough to see him join the Canucks.

Bieber Fever Worsens

2010-08-18T07:30:00.000-04:00

Spreading faster than fire through a Minnesota Wild equipment van, Bieber Fever is ravishing the NHL. Just like that monkey in Outbreak (starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Dustin Hoffman?).

UB tried to sound the alarm after losing one of our own to the bowl-headed virus, but none would listen. And now CBC has been infected - the baritoned Kevin Weekes has been struck down. If that sharp dressed man can succumb to the sickness, God have mercy on us all.

Kaberle rumors to linger like a bad fart another six months

2010-08-17T17:41:00.005-04:00

Well, it appears that the year-long rumor that everyone is sick of hearing about will be put on the shelf for at least a few days. A clause in the defenseman's contract specified that Kaberle's no-trade clause would be invalid from the 2010 Entry Draft until Aug. 15 if the Leafs did not make the playoffs.

"The hockey club confirms this evening that, unfortunately, Tomas Kaberle remains a Leaf," Maple Leafs General Manager Brian Burke told the club's website. "While a number of clubs made offers to trade for Tomas, none of them included a box of Cuban cigars. I understand a period like this is stressful to a player who is currently honing his volleyball setting skills in Cabo, and we are not pleased of this default resolution, but we can all continue to prepare to miss the playoffs once again." Reached by his retro Sports Illustrated football phone in Cabo, Kaberle stated "I am highly motivated by the possibility of being traded later this season. I hope to have the best season yet so that I can get the hell out of this dump and sign a lucrative more-than-I'm-worth contract next year. Fantasy poolers should expect a great year from me, but it's probably a good idea to trade me away at the end of the year if you're in a keeper pool because I'm going to be on cruise control next year, wherever I'll be."

UB readers, look forward to your radios, TVs, and blogs to once again be saturated with boring Kaberle discussions in the very near future. Does anyone else care about this story, or is it my extreme hatred for the Leafs that fuels my anger? Watch the SI Football phone commercial. Classic.

Unassisted Biscuit Announcement

2010-08-17T13:30:00.000-04:00

To UB writers and fan(s?), I have a very exciting announcement.

I recently read a post on a hockey blog (Stayclassy.net) which told the most exhilarating tale of being plucked from the obscurity of the internet and interviewed for a position with the NHLPA marketing wing. The best part is that the invitation to be part of the process was because of their blog. The hiring agency liked their outside-the-box thinking and knowledge of the NHL.

Ttenrub and I had an immediate conference/business call and discussed the implications of this new development this post had uncovered - remember that we do have extensive marketing experience. I always assumed people only stood to lose their jobs through blogging on the boss's clock. Gaining a job from blogging never occurred to me.

So the new plan is to regularly post ideas for the NHL - marketing, rule changes, PR, etc. I invite all the UBers to contribute - the more ideas and more outlandish ideas (ie Zdeno Chara wrestling a a brown bear to open the 2011-2012 season a la Semi-Pro or the Florida Panthers signing James, Bosh, and Wade to a one game contract), the better.

So start thinking big gentlemen - and we will all be eating fancy cheeses off silver platters within the coming year.

Hockey News in August

2010-08-10T15:07:00.000-04:00

*Spoiler alert - slim pickings:

- Chris Chelios signs a 17-year contract for $102 million! Wait... [NHL]

- Kovalchuk is a UFA again. [Puck Daddy]

- When will arbitrator Richard Bloch nullify the 17 year contract Cam signed with Unassisted Biscuit?
- The NHL (high on the arbitration victory over Kovy) is sniffing around the long front-loaded contracts of Luongo, Pronger, Hossa and Savard [Sun]. How happy is Hossa that he got his day with the Cup before his contract is overturned?

- Can Balsillie bring a CFL team along with that NHL one he's getting them? [Spec]

- Disgraced ex-Senators Wade Redden [Faceoff] and Martin Gerber [Oilers] are making ~~headlines~~ those tiny little paragraphs on the border of the sports section.

- Ruslan Salei and Mike Modano are both new Wings, some worry there may be some tension [SB Nation]. I say conflicting philosophies make a team more entertaining, isn't that right Steve-Z and Rejean?

Dog Days of Summer

2010-08-04T08:18:00.008-04:00

August is pretty painful, I don't really have too many other sports to pretend to be interested in. That being said, here are some miscellaneous musings on the happenings of the NHL...

- Detroit decides to shake things up and go...old...again...signing Mike Modano to a one year deal, renews contract of Senior Veteran Scout Gus Chiggins (Pictured) who has an eye for the elderly players Detroit loves so much. In all seriousness this is a quality signing and will pay off (that's a prediction right there. I have a serious addiction). I'm just excited to try out for the Wings in 20 years when I have a realistic shot at making it. Team work outs include water aerobics and yelling at teenagers.

- First Bryan Murray impresses me with the Regin signing. Lot of upside at a very reasonable cost. Any Sens fan who watches Regin's highlights will be excited to have him on the cheap for two more years. But then Murray tosses a head shaker my way with the Campoli signing. Doubling the salary of a guy who for the majority of last season I forgot existed? I mean really if someone asked me if I liked Campoli I would have replied "Yeah but it needs to have lots of cheese and just enough sauce. Then it's delicious." He could be good... but I really do expect this contract to be his last in Ottawa. Look for (Moo) Cowen, Wiercoch, or Rundblad to step in. Sidebar, I will defend the Gonchar signing to the death; there are so many ways for it to pay off for it to not.

- Niemi should have read his contract with Chicago closer. Apparently it read something like "You're not being paid to win." They'll regret walking away from him.

- The Leafs projected top two centers (Bozak and Kadri) have 38 games of experience combined. Unless you count Grabovski as your top center. Which if you do, you have my condolences. Brian Burke's solution for a top center: More defense, and more grit. Or Jeff Finger.

- Edmonton is starting to look... good. Looking down their roster there are a lot of players who could easily score 20+ goals, and that adds up. If Khabibulin is in the clink though... could get rough. Calgary on the other hand, is fast becoming the Edmonton of last season. Not a compliment.

- I really loved the pictures of Kovalchuk in front of the Continental Rink in Newark (long removed from the teams website). This was right before the Devils announced he would miss the entire season to do some gun shot related injuries. It came down between LA and Jersey... anyone else thinking Kovalchuk has a thing for horrible neighbourhoods and gangs? A family man through and through.

Steve-Z out.

Saloed is the New Sidelined

2010-07-23T15:18:00.003-04:00

Sami Salo just can't catch a break. The oft injured Canucks dman is once again out long term after tearing his Achilles tendon playing floor hockey. He has never once played a whole season... and so the trend continues. This fuels two thoughts...

1) Floor hockey, like I've been saying for years, is a very painful and serious sport. Anyone who knows me knows that I take my ball hockey VERY seriously (typing with the least straight face possible).

2) I will not be sidelined anymore. It seems like Sami Salo gets injured more than anyone, so from now on when I get injured: I'll be Saloed indefinitely. Injuries can also be called Saloes, his name transcends into a noun. Example: I have a knee Salo that is going to keep me from running, but the doctor says I can still bike, and it won't make my Salo worse.

Easy cure? I suggest demanding a trade.

Mounties Called to Bring Home the Jets

2010-07-22T13:17:00.000-04:00

A man is facing charges after calling the RCMP, demanding they bring the Jets back to Winnipeg.

No word if Laurie Boschman has been named as the accused.

Duncan Keith Day

2010-07-20T21:52:00.007-04:00

Most people were probably not aware, but this last weekend was declared "Duncan Keith Day" down in Penticton, B.C. Duncan spent some of his childhood playing in Penticton's Minor Hockey system and with his family residing there ever since, has been declared a local of sorts. Penticton celebrated the joyous occasion by hosting a meet and greet for all interested in seeing Duncan, the Stanley Cup, the Norris trophy, and his Olympic Gold Medal. For his part in the ordeal, Duncan was given the key to the city.

Although Penticton is only a mere 45 minutes from my home I did not part-take in the special occasion, as I have already seen the Stanley Cup, have no interest in the Norris, was in Vancouver when he was presented with his Gold Medal, and have already met Duncan Keith. That's right folks, you read it here first. Yours truly has somewhat of a history with Keith.

Almost 10 years ago I was asked to try-out for the BC Best Ever team and attended the three day camp along with over 30 other hopefuls. Amongst this group was Duncan Keith. At the time, I had just made the transition from forward to defense and thus spent most of the camp alongside Duncan himself. At the end of the try-outs I thought I made a pretty good showing and felt that I had at least a chance to make the team...enter Duncan Keith. During my closing interview with the coaching staff I was informed that I did not make the team. I was the last defenceman cut, and was told that my lack of height was the reason behind it. I immediately replied, "but I'm taller than Duncan Keith". Their response..."Duncan Keith is a lot better than you."

Ten years later, Duncan Keith is hoisting the Stanley Cup.

Kovy a Devil!... Or Not?

2010-07-20T18:00:00.000-04:00

I was really uninterested in following the big name free agents this year, so when Kovalchuk's courtship started being counted in weeks rather than days, I tuned out. When the Devils hung on to the Russian star, I was mildly surprised. Then I heard the terms: 17 years and over 100 million sheckles. Kovy is 27 so (17 + 27 = 44) add it up and you get 44.

He will be 44 in the year 2027. That is 12 years past the 2015 setting of Back to the Future 2 - imagine Kovy riding a hover board. 44? Mike Keane is retiring this week at the age of 43, he was a relic when he won the Cup with Dallas in 1999. Zombie Chelios is 48 but c'mon, he is a defenceman and a major exception to the normal lifespan of a professional athlete/humans.

Have a quick scan of this list that shows the oldest players to have played in the NHL. Assuming he doesn't expire in the next 17 years, Kovy would be in the top 10...

But reports are saying the NHL may have canceled the deal. Did the Devils use a loop-hole in the CBA? Yessir. Paying him half a million in the last few years of the deal to lower his cap hit. But we've seen Hossa and Pronger make it through... Will this push Kovalchuk to the oil money of the KHL?

Gretzky Falls for Knock Off Jersey with Horrible Stitching -- signs it liberally!

2010-07-17T13:08:00.001-04:00

Above left: Dwayne Roloson about to take a drop; Above right: Sir Charles sweatin' to the oldies; Middle left: Hullburger; Middle right: Hullburger's wife (blonde); Bottom Left: The Great One double bogey after hole 10.

Sporadic blogger and Steve-Z nemesis Rejean Lemelin represented UB at last week's Ford, and somehow also brought to you by Samsung, Gretzky Golf Classic in Collingwood, Ontario. What follows is a brief summary of the event, in bullet format, with a complimentary picture tour.

The Classic was attended by about 25 pathetic autograph seekers, most of which 40+ years old or over, and that's about it. The least autograph sought: four-way tie between Christine Simpson (milking the name as much as possible)/Bob McCowwan (Fan590)/Pierre MacGuire (too many employers to list)/Jungle Jim Jerome (Team 1200).
Hamburgers eaten by Brett Hull on the 10th tee: 3
Brett Hull's wife on a scale of 1-10: no need for a ranking. he could have done better.
Janet Jone's figure for a 50 year old on a scale of 1-10: 11
Wayne's nickname on the golf course "Hasselhoff"
# of golf shirts Charles Barkley went through in 40 degree weather over 18 holes: 18. my Barkley jersey autograph was smeared in sweat. It's still wet and you can smell it.
How Rejean got two jerseys autographed by the Great One: one jersey autographed on hole 10, change shirt and remove hat/glasses on walk to hole 11, bingo, bango, bongo, two down.
Golf ball Rejean found in the woods was hit by: Dwayne Roloson. Knock on another penalty stroke, Dwayne.
What Rejean said to Grant Fuhr when asking him to sign a photo: "now Grant, this is not for you to sniff off of"
Best item Rejean saw autographed: old school blue/orange Jofa glove by Wayne. No shortage of red Titan hockey sticks either.
Worst item autographed: a book signed by both Wayne/Walter. Anything with Walter's signature on it devalues Wayne's. Walter once signed a napkin for me at a golf tournament in Brantford. He signs whatever is in front of him. Look out.

Can you Guess the Gretzky Knock Off?

2010-07-17T12:59:00.005-04:00

If you guessed the jersey on the left (mine), you're right (cost: $45.00). The quality of the Gretzky knock off is definitely suspect when directly compared to a legit $200 jersey on the right (brother's). Larger font, better/shiney fabric, complete stitching are some of the advantages of "real" jerseys.

As you can see in the close up on the right, in addition to being on an angle, the fight strap stitching has been sewed over the number. Rejean's mom has some work to do.

As the autograph on the left was completed using a much better Sharpie than the legit jersey on the right, let's call it a draw.

Sens Prospect Pulls a McConaughey

2010-07-15T10:47:00.000-04:00

UB reader 'Irbe's Backup' sends us this gem.

The Sens signed Swiss forward Roman Wick. Then for some inexplicable reason had him pose shirtless in front of a Sens jersey (why not put the jersey on?) in a dimly lit room. Classy.

Big Bucks for Bettman

2010-07-13T18:17:00.001-04:00

In the 2008-2009 season, Gary Bettman pulled down 7.23 million in salary. Just for kicks, let's see what few players make more than the hated NHL overlord (thanks to CapGeek.com):

Vincent Lecavalier - $10,000,000

Roberto Luongo - $10,000,000

Evgeni Malkin - $9,000,000

Sidney Crosby - $9,000,000

Alex Ovechkin - $9,000,000

Jason Spezza - $8,000,000

Dany Heatley - $8,000,000

Scott Gomez - $8,000,000

Chris Drury - $8,000,000

Duncan Keith - $8,000,000

Marian Hossa - $7,900,000

Brad Richards - $7,800,000

Henrik Zetterberg - $7,750,000

Henrik Lundqvist - $7,750,000

Chris Pronger - $7,600,000

Zdeno Chara - $7,500,000

Eric Staal - $7,500,000

Marian Gaborik - $7,500,000

Rick Nash - $7,500,000

Gary Bettman - $7,230,000

Mr. Bettman makes more money than Joe Thornton and the Leafs' and Sens' captains Phaneuf and Alfredsson. Just as shocking, are the salaries of Gomez and Drury - yikes.

Maggie the Monkey couldn't Pull Off this Look

2010-07-09T08:39:00.006-04:00

Rejean (Reused denim?) Lemelin calls it like he sees it, and how it is. That clever old goalie...

I confess to being one of those hockey fans who likes to sit in my imaginary general manager’s chair and make picks, forecasts and predictions. Based on what you might ask? Only a lethal combination of biased and subjective hockey knowledge with a profound loyalty to gut feelings is all. Yes my track record may be a little… underwhelming… but the fact is calling the shots, albeit imaginary ones, is part of being not just a hockey fan but a sports fan. It's normal - expected even- of us fans to think that we are more intelligent than executives and management in these professional leagues.

If I’m talking hockey with someone, than I’d rather their take on free agency, the draft, trades or the playoffs be entertaining and interesting rather than informative. TSN for news, blogs for discussion… is this not how the Canadian sports world works? I know I don’t go on HF boards to read realistic interpretations of Toronto’s chances next year.

So yes Rejean, my name is Steve-Z; I am twenty years old, blood type O negative, and my predictions are mediocre. Join me UBers, I know I am not alone.

After I read Rejean’s post, I began to do some thinking. What struck me is how surprised I was to see a post from Rejean Lemelin… an infrequent UB contributor on a good day. Then I thought about how it is unfortunate for an infrequent (and pretty green) UB author to make a rare post publication such a Debbie downer. Where is the love? Where is putting it all out there for one single player (see Blackwater and Deano)? Where are the good natured jabs at Cam (who surprised us all by posting an actual piece of news on his first post rather than an order to cease and desist)?

I worry that Rejean may be becoming an armchair blogger (two armchairs?) who focuses more on critiquing other bloggers rather than making an original contribution with a original thought. No the baseball post doesn't count. That was just plain weird. This position comes accompanied by Dorito stained fingers and Mountain Dew Code Red bottles everywhere, with a T-shirt with some sort of word play involving the term “Noob.” Omg lmaozz RL!!!

Rejean, you should write more often (since you did lazily hit the nail non the head), but should try making a few wild predictions yourself… they are deliciously fun. You could be like a Dale Tallon. Not in the sense that you are an architect through the draft, but that you forget to submit your picks, just like he forgets his restricted free agents. I think a poster of Ol' Dale might be a welcome addition right above Rejean's bed.

And please ease up on the porn…just as weird as that baseball post.

Consistently Poor Results Proves that Steve-Z Needs to To Find A New Hobby

2010-06-28T11:15:00.006-04:00

The Canadian fascination with "making picks" on just about anything that deals with hockey (mock drafts, diversity of regular season and playoff fantasy pools: e.g., straight-up, head-to-head, picking players, picking teams, picking what variables 'to count', etc., etc.) certainly adds a bit of excitement to what would normally be a long, drawn-out season and boring, barely tolerable events (such as the extreme lameness of the NHL draft and NHL Awards Ceremony -- I'm pretty sure the ratings for the latter would be somewhere around 0.0 if it weren't for people who accidentally left their TVs on).

Indeed, there are many psycho-sociological factors that influence who we tend to "pick" and often poolies can be placed into a certain pool typology. For example, there is "the homer" who consistently picks players on his favoured team (often a Maple Leaf fan who significantly overestimates talent, good for last place); "the geriatric" who is a bit uninformed on youth and tends to pick players from his hockey card collection days ("I'll take Ron Francis please") (good for second last place); the "I don't know what the hell I'm doing, so I'm going to pick from a list that someone else developed, and pronounce names wrong while doing it" guy (good for second place overall despite the significant chance this person will pick someone who is on the injured list, without knowing); and, "the Gaborik" or "Tuomo Ruutu": the guy who has a hunch that "this is the year for this guy" and/or who will freely pick consistently injured players (good for middle of the pack).

But when should we stop thinking that we know what we're talking about and let managers do their jobs? Are there too many outlets to embarrass ourselves (Vegas lines, Proline, hockey pools with friends, hockey pools with office mates, borderline loner Blogs, such as UB)? When have we gone too far? And, most importantly, at what point should someone just stop "making picks" and retire from pools altogether? This is a key question that Steve-Z(ero) must ask himself on a daily basis.

After going 1 for 5 on NHL Draft Day, Steve-Z has consistently shown the world (due to high UB readership) that he is, quite simply, a very poor "picker" despite the type of pool. Steve-Z tied me in the playoff pool, but I didn't submit my picks. When you are being outperformed by monkeys (Maggie); octopuses (Paul); coin flips; or your girlfriend, it's time to either hang up the hobby, or go with the exact opposite of what you're thinking.

Beyond good-nature rubbing, what lessons can be drawn from this you ask? Steve-Z should be at the top of your invitee list for all pools, especially ones that involve a purging of Steve-Z's wallet.

Steve-Z's Top Two

2010-06-25T13:39:00.009-04:00

I read far too many mock drafts of the NHL. It's like this every year... and the draft combined with the big moves that go alongside it make for a pretty entertaining night. I'm looking forward to watching Brian Burke and Dave Nonis attempt to convince Hall to retire, and then bring him out to start the season.

All joking aside, this is how I think the big top two picks of the draft will and should go down...

1- Edmonton Oilers trade 1st overall to Boston for 2nd overall and Milan Lucic

Boston Bruins - Taylor Hall LW.

Edmonton nearly causes a riot, and Brian Burke starts weeping that Hall will be playing in the East and rubbing his face in the now infamous Kessel trade. This makes sense for a lot of reasons. The Bruins are deep at center and don't really need Seguin, but they do need a scoring winger. Why not draft up (clearing a little cap space in the process) and select an aggressive, pure goal scorer? It makes sense to me. Hall would slot in right next to Savard or Bergeron and would be getting the puck threaded to him perfectly. He's an amazing player, but I think a little less multi-dimensional than Seguin.

2. Edmonton Oilers - Tyler Seguin C.

I'm at work. I just listened to a 40 minute program about the Oilers draft selection and their current stockpile of prospects. It also showed footage of all of the Oilers' interviews with both Seguin and Hall. Seguin comes off as a genuinely smart, capable guy. The first thing I thought was that he would be able to shoulder the Edmonton fans/media/weather/organization. The Oilers desperately need a center and they should by all mean make their first choice Seguin, who fits the same mold as Stevie Y. I think there is a real chance we see Edmonton trade down to 2nd to draft Seguin. I'd take him over Hall, he's got real leadership and character; both qualities Edmonton desperately lacked last season.

I was going to do the first five in detail, but I really should get back to work. Quickly...

3- Florida - Erik Gudbranson (Terrifyingly good Dman, can shoot like a cannon)

4- Islanders trade their 5th overall and Robbie Schremp to Blue Jackets for their 4th overall

Islanders - Cam Fowler (Amurrican workhorse on the blueline, gives the Islanders that offensive presence that they really lack)

5- Colombus - Brett Connolly (Would take a center if they could, but Connolly will take some pressure off Nash and he's pretty damn good)

I would KILL for Ottawa to be able to take Gudbranson. This kid will be the new Pronger, just hopefully with some kind of soul. I'd be just as happy if Jeff Skinner falls into their laps, having watched him score over 70 goals in total last year. Just maybe a forward this year Bryan.

It likely won't go down like this, but it definitely should.

----- Updated -----

Whoops.

UB Knock-off T-shirt Found!!

2010-06-24T23:19:00.015-04:00

Apparently, we at the Unassisted Biscuit are not immune to the epidemic of low quality knock-off T-shirts that seem to be flooding the markets either. Knock-off Unassisted Biscuit T-shirts commemorating the recent 2010 Olympics in Vancouver have been circulating the fashion market, spanning coast to coast. Imagine the disappointment after purchasing a supposed Unassisted Biscuit shirt only to find later you actually bought an Unassited Biscuit shirt. Reports have indicated that as many as 8 or 10 of these knock-off shirts have been spotted and is most likely a result of a single supplier. Although the identity of this unknown supplier is still a mystery there is speculation that the culprit has connections to the Comumbia Ice Fields in Waterloo.

UB Challenge Final Results

2010-06-18T22:00:00.005-04:00

Another fantastic Stanley Cup playoff is over, which means another fantastic UB Stanley Cup Challenge is over as well. And unlike the heavily favourited Chicago Blackhawks, the champion of the UB Challenge went to a dark horse in the field, or rather a ginger horse. That's right folks, the 2010 UB Challenge winner was Cam. Cam had an uncharacteristically amazing first round which enabled him to grab the early lead. A lead that he would never relinquish. Although Cam made very late selections in the final round, it was essentially over before it began. Even without the 2 points that he earned in the final round the championship was already secured in his hands. Congrats to Cam!! The final results are listed below:

Cam - (16)

Ttenrub - (13)
Mr. Bean - (12)

Blackwater - (11)

Steve-Z - (10)

KP-ing it Real - (10)
Rejean Lemelin - (10)
Stuck - (10)
Peter Puck - (9)
AZV321 - (7)

Best Headline of the Offseason

2010-06-16T13:28:00.000-04:00

I know it's early but I would like to submit the following gem for 'Most Obvious Offseason Headline':

Cup Victory Is Not Near For Leafs

First rate investigative journalism. So, Captain Phaneuf won't hoist the chalice his first season as Maple Leafs' leader? Would it be appropriate if Avery kissed the Cup before Phaneuf?

Load 'em up, strike 'em out, Ottawa Lynx, you know what I'm talking about (repeat)

2010-06-12T17:17:00.004-04:00

Greasy hair, get a baseball blog going. No?

More Chelsea Dagger please!!!!!!!!

2010-06-10T13:03:00.004-04:00

Well, well, well... I thought I would rub it ~~out~~ in one more time to the great sound of the Fratellis:

Along with Blackwater, I as well predicted Toews would win the Conn Smythe. My prediction was made before Round 1 even started. And don't forget that way back when in October (see "Spillin the Beans") I chose the Hawks to win the cup over the Penguins.

A couple flaws in my pre-season predictions included picking Dallas as the surprise team this year (clearly Winnipeg Coyotes, no contest) and placing waay too much trust in Iggy.

I'm looking at restructuring my UB contract in the off-season. I'm getting offers from other illustrious sites that wish to remain unnamed.

Hawks fan for life!

Bean out

'Hawks Win the Cup - Spread Beiber Fever

2010-06-10T12:59:00.000-04:00

Good news: Last night the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, ending their 49 year drought. They won in 6 and Jono Toews was the Conn Smyth winner, as I predicted in the Unassisted Biscuit Playoff challenge (pause for applause... 3, 2, 1.).

Bad news: Through playoff tradition and their celebrations, the 'Hawks may have also unleashed the deadly Bieber Fever on North America. Observe:

June 4th, 2010: Justin Bieber infects the Stanley Cup in New York.

June 9th, 2010 (approx. 11:00 PM): The entire Chicago Blackhawk team rubs their beards on the feverish Cup and begin drinking communal bottles of Champagne...

June 9th, 2010 (approx. 11:30 PM): Kris Versteeg send Bieber fevered Champagne into the stands...

Video: Champagne adventures of Blackhawks’ Sopel, Versteeg @ Yahoo! Video

We've been warned about this potential infection from the Cup before (though it was hepatitis). Think Bieber fever won't affect you? UB's very own Ttenrub has been recovering for weeks from a bout of the "Biebs fevs". He was able to kill the virus by drinking cases of James Ready 5.5.

God help us all.

Chris Neil

2010-06-08T13:26:00.001-04:00

Strange story emerging about Chris Neil owing $2 million plus to creditors. So far, it has only been reported in the Sun. I don't understand the business numbers or how Neil could be bankrupt after just signing a new contract for $8-million.

Funny thing, a friend of mine spotted Mr. Neil stocking up at Ottawa's Lululemon the other day. I guess his financial problems aren't affecting his spending habits?

UPDATE: Neil explains that the issue with his failed family construction business is is long closed.

Ron MacLean. Hero.

2010-06-04T00:55:00.000-04:00

Busy end of the week for Cherry's sidekick.

Wednesday: Ron MacLean and Gary Bettman joust over hockey in southwestern Ontario, cucumber gardening techniques, the successfulness of the olympics and the Pheonix Coyotes.

Thursday: Ron MacLean abandons Don Cherry at lunch to throw a drowning man a rope.

What will he do tomorrow?

BREAKING NEWS: UB Playoff Challenge Leader Cam has failed to make his final picks

2010-06-01T17:27:00.004-04:00

This just in, current UB Stanley Cup Playoff Challenge leader, Cam, has failed to select his pick for the Stanley Cup winner and may be disqualified.

stanley cup final picks.....

2010-05-29T20:43:00.001-04:00

Hey, get your picks out here:

I gots, Hawks in 5.

Philly Sand Scandle?

2010-05-26T10:14:00.001-04:00

Sandal!

I will miss you Montreal Canadiens. I don't usually cheer for you and find your line-up of mercenaries hard to like. But I do enjoy the ~~energy~~ riots this unlikely run has brought to your city.

Also, PK Subban is awesome. But it's time for you to go now and let the Flyers lose to the 'Hawks in the Finals.

But I will also miss the little things Montreal does to win, like throw sand outside the Flyers' dressing room to dull their skates (National Post, Sun, and Sporting News). Coach Martin dismissed the claims of sand-bagging the Flyers in Game 4 (which Philly won 3-0).

It's not like Montreal has ever done anything sneaky in the playoffs before to gain the upper hand. What's that? They have?

Brilliant Idea - the Flyers should use this incident for inspiration in the Finals and play the 1999 Darude hit Sandstorm as they take to the ice... While high on E and with glow sticks on their tongues...

Have Fun with Spellcheck, North America

2010-05-25T12:38:00.000-04:00

According to ESPN, Steve Yzerman is the new GM of the Tampa Bay Lightning. I propose we all celebrate by having an NHL '94 tournament on Sega Genesis (I just so happen to still have mine).

Congrats to him.

And hockey in Florida still makes absolutely zero sense to me.